Validation. I was always told to suck it up and deal with it, that I was too sensitive, and that I was overreacting. I would try to explain just how overwhelmed and upset I was and I was constantly left feeling invalidated and wondering if I really was just being too sensitive. ("You're being too sensitive" was their go-to phrase any time I was angry or experiencing any negative emotion, really.) By cutting, I was validating that internal pain and anger to myself. If I was upset enough to do the things I did to myself, I was obviously not just being silly and my feelings were as real and as intense as I was trying to say they were. Seeing and feeling the damage I had done was pretty much the only validation I got for way too many years.

I guess in a roundabout way, it was also my way of communicating just how real my feelings actually were. Every time I ended up in the ER, their tune would change from "quit being so sensitive" to "I wish you'd told us how bad you were feeling, we could have helped." I suppose it took them being aware of the worst of my "handiwork" to fully realize just how valid my feelings were too. I had been trying tell them repeatedly, after all. I hid it pretty well, but when it's bad enough to warrant an ER visit, you gotta do what you gotta do.

I never realized any of this until a while after I quit (2 years now!), it sure would have been helpful though.