I know all of you probably hoped I never posted here again. I just needed to get this off my chest. I completely hate myself. I feel like the only thing that would ever make me love myself is to bring a life into this world as in having a child of my own. I know parents here are going to say your stupid how in the heck could you bring a life into this world knowing that you don't love yourself. My life right now feels like it has no meaning or purpose. I know if I had a child that the feelings of self hate would stop my life would have meaning. I hate seeing woman who are pregnant because it reminds me that my own life is a waste of space and air. My fiance gets so mad at me sometimes he wants to wait 22 more days which is my 90 days at my work before we try to have a baby. He wants me to wait so I can get through it but I keep explaining to him that no would ever known at my work if we got pregnant now. He is worried I will get fired before my 90 days is up. He says with me still being in the first 90 days of employment that they can just walk up to me and say we don't like you your fired. The state I live in is not a right to work state they can fire you and don't have to give a reason. I haven't missed work and only left early one time which was yesterday due to a medical emergency I was having from a fast food resturant giving me something I am allergic to and I had to go to a med check to get it looked at because my eye swelled up due to it. I left two hours before my shift was up which by my works policy is half a point which means I don't even get wrote up nothing gets said to me. I won't be leaving early anymore and once I hit my 90 days I can get up to nine points before I lose my job. Right now 2 points gets me a write up and 5 causes me to lose to my job. I am a hard worker I even doubled my goal last month. I was only supposed to hit a goal of 1,500 and I hit over 3,000 which was good not bonuses level but for my first full month at my job was really good. I work hard every day I am never late and only left early one time which like I said was yesterday but it was beyond my control I had a medical emergency had I waited till the end of my shift I may not be here to bug you guys with my worthless life. I know a lot of this is very gloomy and it may sound like I want self pitty but trust me I don't. I just want to know how can I make it these next 22 days and know that what I want is coming soon and be happy with it. I don't have many friends so I spend a lot nights alone due to my fiance having a very active social life he has friends over all the time and I tend to hide myself away in our bedroom when they come over due to the fact that I hate being around large groups of people. I want to be happy with waiting 22 more days knowing the good that is going to come from waiting but I can't please help me be more patient sorry for wasting your time with this.