Not doing well.

After being stood up by my pdoc, and experiencing awful back pain for the past few days, and stressful workdays, I would say that I am not in the best of moods. I have had the occasional suicidal thought. I am doing my best to not fall into that, but it seems like they will always be there no matter what I do, or how much progress I make. I'm not saying I'm going to act on them, far from it.. but it is very disappointing to have those thoughts after months of feeling better.

So on my list of things to do this week I have to cancel the appointment I have with my pdoc on Tuesday. I set that appt to try to just reschedule it, but honestly I don't think I want to see her. It's also at a time that is in the middle of the work day and I forgot to ask if I could leave early. I'm good on my medication... I'm not going to run out in the next week or anything, so I will hold off until after I see a doctor for my back pain. Plus, this back pain is really commanding all of my attention right now. I will be fine one minute and in pain the next. It's a pain that just bothers me, and it puts me in the worst possible mood. I've snapped at several people and I feel terrible about it.

As I said before, I'm trying not to jump to conclusions until I get seen by a doctor. It isn't the first time I've experienced this... pain followed by the occasional numbness. I was honestly in the middle of a pretty severe depressive episode when it first started. I did get an x-ray at the time but nothing was found. And the pain just stopped as suddenly as it began. That was about a year ago. And maybe about a month ago, I had some strong pains, enough that I had to lie down. And now this. I don't know what it means.