Thanks for your post. I am sorry for everything that you have been through. It all sounds so scary. No wonder you feel terrified of being out of control.

You mentioned that the endless medical procedures in the past year were traumatic even though for your benefit. I recently read an article about that, actually, about how traumatizing it can be to be in the hospital and dealing with medical procedures.

Thought processes often are in fact out of control. You know about the pink elephant? When someone says Don't think about a pink elephant, well, then that seems to be all that one can think about! But is it actually damaging to think about a pink elephant? Maybe a better response would be to say "Ah, there that elephant is again! There it goes again. But I know that it won't hurt me."

So let's say that you are bothered by the thought that if you get out of control something bad will happen to you or to someone you care about. How does simply having that thought--just having the thought--actually hurt you? I wonder if you could see that thought as being like an annoying neighbor who you see a lot, and who might talk your ear off, but who does not actually hurt you.