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Perna said:
My T disallowed the "I don't know" response and gave me the time I needed to "know what I know" and express it; she taught me to "check my heart." I have honesty and courage despite being so fearful of my shadow so that all worked :-)

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I have always been honest in therapy and understand the "check my heart" as that is powerful... and sometimes it takes a bit of time to see into the many recesses that are within it. I too like to think I have courage and am trying to come out from the shadow.

I love your T's analogies particularly about the interstate and the exiits.. lol The kid at the picnic...I suppose that was a visit that your T was looking forward to or hoping for? That is interesting indeed.

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The best breakthrough I had was I was writing cards and letters and sending them to my T every week, for about 5+ years, it helped me feel connected, especially when she was away. My T and I finally talked about it and how I had this "fantasy" relationship with her where she had no input and then the pressure wasn't so intense in therapy to respond to her there, where she was each week. I finally decided to do a 6 week "test" where I wouldn't write her at all, would just talk to her/be with her in therapy. Part of the period she was going to be away too, so that was going to be doubly hard. But it worked; I started "seeing" her and therapy for what they were and how they were here-and-now, "real" things whereas all my inside-the-head stuff and writing, etc. were not real interactions of any sort. I got much better at being present and being with my T and my problems/sadnesses/joys/anxiety and saw how dealing with them when they arose in real time made them not a problem anymore.

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This is excellent. Do you believe that the letters built a bridge to breaking through your barriers?