merlin I don't know much about your history with depression.

What I can say about depression in general is that it distorts the way we see things.

A person with depression could win a Nobel Peace Prize, travel to Stockholm to accept it in a gala ceremony, receive the praise and accolaids of their peers and friends, and return home convinced that their life is worthless because all of the other Nobel winners won for things that benefited humanity while their own was trivial and unworthy.

That's just what depression does. Sometimes if I can take brief moments to "disconnect" the logic from the feelings I realize how ridiculous a lot of my reasoning is... but that doesn't make the feelings go away nor hurt any less.

The only thing I can say is to try to remember that and resist the urge to "examine your past." Trust in the fact that your depressed brain will make wrong conclusions from that examination. It will. It will look for any way to make them seem negative and significant, it will dismiss any good parts and project the negative parts into solid predictions of your future.

I do not mean to minimize the disappointments in your life. It must be frustrating to not have gotten the job. That doesn't reflect on you though, this is a very difficult job market that a lot of people are struggling with. Keep trying and looking for jobs. You will find one that is right for you that believes you are right for it.

Not getting into college must be a very sad thing. Anyone would be saddened and troubled by that. But I am impressed that you desire to go to college and have an interest to keep learning. That to me is a very very important character trait. Don't write college completely off, and if you don't find yourself in college in the future there are also other ways and programs to increase your learning and knowledge. That is something to never give up.

Your next point is that "people will realize how worthless I am" and that is the depression talking. Not getting into college doesn't mean you are worthless. It doesn't mean you aren't smart enough for college. Not getting into college only means one thing: that you didn't get into college. The sadness and dissapointment of that is expected. The self judgement and projection onto your future is the depression talking.

You are NOT worthless! Your depressed mind tells you that you are and will begin to look for "evidence" that other people believe that as well. Someone across the street may not see you when you wave to them and your depression will tell you they are avoiding you because you are "worthless". Someone may not hear or may misunderstand a comment, and their lack of response will make you think you are "worthless". People may even pay you a complement and your brain will find some way to convince you that they are mocking you or covering up a deeper "fault" that they see in you. That's just what depression does.

>>Every time I let a little bit of hope into my life, it gets dashed accross the rocks, and I wonder what bit of insanity that optimism was.

I can't speak for your life, but I would bet that there have been times when you have hoped for something, large or small, and have been able to achieve it. Depression will make you forget those events or minimize their importance to nearly nothing. Depression is a horrible, horrible illness. Whatever disappointments you have had, you have drawn a conclusion that to have those hopes was an act of insanity. In the future you will have things that will meet your expectations. You have to fight the depression so that when those things happen you are able to see them and enjoy them.

Depression reminds me of the classic horror film The Legend of Hell House with Roddy MacDowell (I think that's the movie I'm thinking of). Where the ghost hunters are battling to uncover all the ghosts of the people who were killed and abused in the house, all with different personalities, all presenting different dangers. But in the end it turned out the "secret" of the house was that there was only one ghost... one very tormented spirit so miserable and so full of disdain in his life that he was forced to haunt the house alone, and tormented the visitors by pretending to be all of the other ghosts.

Depression makes us fight hopelessness, negativity, sadness, suicidal ideation... we look at our lives, we look at the people around us, we see all of these many different aspects of how worthless and how sad we are, but in reality there is only one real problem, and the solution is to fight the depression itself. Whatever is "real" once we are past the effects of depression I believe is stuff that we can deal with. The depression deprives us of our strength, or of seeing our strength, because it won't even let us try to fight so as to test our strength, which makes us believe we have none.