I'm trying to resist cutting today. I know it's in response to anxiety, but I also know it will make the anxiety go away for a while.
My therapist has been out of the office unexpectedly for thelast three weeks, and I'm thinking there was a misunderstanding thelast session we did have. Tomorrow is our normal session time, but last week I was vague with the receptionist so I'm not sure if I'm scheduled (if she is even back).
Flashbacks started up again more intensley this weekend and they are a huge trigger for my sh. :/ I'm not sure I want to not cut. I know all the things I should do to try to avoid it, but it would be so much easier to give in and get relief (even if it's brief). Only, I promised my t that I would call their hotline before cutting... I'm not really in the mood to talk to them about it. I don't want to admit that I just want to do it without trying to avoid it. So I'm not calling them. (I also don't want evidence of how t's absence has thrown me, because it's not about me. I know she is out for her own reasons, only I'm not good at expressing worry. It would end up sounding like I'm way more spoiled and self-absorbed than I actually am)...
I don't know. I want her to be ok and healthy and safe and back. And I want to cut because I worry she isn't any of those things... the cutting makes the worry go away for a while. It stops the anxiety and the flashbacks. It makes things calm. I really want calm in my head.