(((((((Rhapsody)))))))

This is certainly a difficult situation. My situation was a bit different as my father was not gone out of our lives for too long. He did pull up stakes and went across country on a whim, leaving my mother, my brother and I. When he left, he made a promise to my brother that he would send for him as soon as he was settled. Of course, that never happened and it really hurt my brother.

While he was away, he met a woman, a divorcee (she had been married to a minister). They had an affair and she had the gall to write to my mother and ask for her blessing for her relationship with my father. The letter included a description of herself and what she "felt" for my father. It was a disgusting display of "in your face" and I believe, wanting to feel villified for having an affair with a married man.

My mother was hurt beyond belief, and I was so angry, that if that woman was within 500 miles of me, I would have probably gone and raised some hell with her and my father. They were in Arizona, we were in CT.

My father decided to fly home for Christmas to see his family. He was going to bring his new love, but my mother told him not to bother coming if she was coming. So he came alone. I was so angry with him that I went to stay with a friend while my father stayed with my mom and brother.

My mom begged me to come for Christmas day. She wanted me to have a relationship with my father regardless of how badly she was hurt. I was not happy by any stretch of the imagination. I did show up for Christmas day, probably with a huge chip on my shoulder. I informed my father exactly what I thought of him, what he did and told him in no uncertain terms that I would never accept his new love. It was a very intense day to say the least.

Within the next year, dad came back to CT after his new love turned out to be the devil in disguise. My mother, God Bless her, took him back into the home (separate sleeping quarters) until he was able to get work and find another place to live. I continued to be very angry with him and I couldn't understand how my mom could let him back in and help him out after the hurt he had caused. He finally got a job and moved out.

Within 3 years of that horrid time, I became engaged and was planning my wedding. Again, my dad had moved back into the home after going through some difficult times with loosing his job, his drivers license due to DWI and just not being able to get his act together. My mom, talked with me again about accepting my father back into my life. She explained that he would be devastated if he couldn't walk me down the aisle. I resisted that for a long time. It was my day and I didn't want to even invite him to the wedding never mind want him to participate.

It took a number of months of talking with my mom before I finally broke down and agreed to let him walk me down the aisle. I finally came to the realization that if she could forgive him for his mistakes, then I could at least try to do the same. We agreed that forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting, only that we let go of some of the pain that was caused and open our hearts up to a more postive light.

My father was completely overwhelmed when I told him that I forgave him for his mistakes and asked him to be a part of my wedding. I could see on his face and in his eyes he was so thankful that I would include him in my special day. He did everything he could to make the day special for me. If it hadn't been for the strength and understanding of my mother, it would have never happened. I was in awe how she handled herself through this whole situation.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is this, if you don't give him the opportunity to apologize, to attone for his mistakes you may end up wondering for the rest of your life if there could have been a chance for some healing to happen. You will wonder if your father would have been serious about his intentions to attone for his mistakes. If you don't open the door and give him this opportunity, can you live with that decision? Can you live with the decision to hear him out even if what he is offering is strictly for his own benefit and not yours?

Of course, what you must consider is what YOU can deal with. You must feel safe in your decision and take care of YOU first and foremost. I know for myself, allowing my father back into my life (even though he still caused pain now and again) was part of the healing process for me. I was able to let him in on MY terms, not his. That made a big difference. I realized that my father was only human and made mistakes. I learned that my father, as imperfect as he was, was not a horrible person. He may have done some rotten things to us that hurt beyond belief, but I also realized that he himself was hurting and dealing with it the only way he knew how, drinking and running away.

What my mother did for her children to continue to have a relationship with their father was the most unselfish thing I had ever experienced. Because of her love of her family, she was willing to be the catalyst of forgiveness. I will always be grateful to her for showing me and teaching me that no matter what wrongs are done to me, to hold the anger in will only destroy me.

I understand that this will bring up many emotions that you have probably tucked away for a very long time. Maybe you are not in a place right now that would allow you to let him in and hear him without it causing too much heartache for you. Maybe this is the time for you to be able to tell your father exactly what pain he caused you all these years. That may be very healing for you.

Only you can make the decision as to whether or not to see him. I will keep you in my prayers that you are able to figure out what will be good for YOU. It is completely your decision.



Hugsssss
Jean