Prayers are greatly appreciated, especially since my mother was supporting me and my child and I have no idea what I'm going to do without her. I appreciate your condolences... Thank you.

I can't really work because I have nobody to care for my disabled child, and wouldn't make enough to pay someone to, or even put a dent in our bills... I am afraid to return to healthcare because of the flashbacks I'm sure it'll cause (especially CPR) and a general jealousy of the elderly... I know it isn't their fault and of course they still deserve care, but my mother had one wrinkle. She never got to grow old and it isn't fair.

I don't really know what to do about anything... I'm supposed to be going to school for respiratory therapy, but the whole not breathing thing is really scaring me after finding out that my mother was clearly not breathing repeatedly throughout that night. I just don't get how somebody can be perfectly fine one minute and then dead the next. She had taken her night meds, which included klonopin, had a few drinks, and a few days before had taken small amounts of her xanax. She was on sertraline, they said they found a rather large amount in her blood, but they don't think that's what killed her. They have no idea... It's so very frustrating to not know how this happened, what happened to her... I have so many questions, and so many things I wish I could ask her. The first would be how she was feeling that night... I wish I could've done something to save her, but in all the scenarios I've gone through in my head, there wouldn't have been anything anyone could've done. She obviously stopped breathing over and over and over and was likely unconscious for whatever reason (not breathing, perhaps). Maybe it was just her time? They ruled out her heart, prematurely, I think... She had a left bundle branch block - her only health problem, and asymptomatic at the time. That causes a lowered pulse rate when it does something. Perhaps her heart rate went down so far that she stopped getting oxygen to get brain? I think if somebody had been able to save her, she would've been in some sort of vegetative state, not really alive... I don't know. And I may never know.