I have a tendency, to not put so fine a point on it, to assume other people don't care about me as much as I do about them.

(Yes, I know how hypocritical I am, considering what I said in that other thread. Classic avoidance, different standards for me and for everyone else in the world. )

My therapist challenged me on this, which I hated, but her pushing lead to an insight that I don't know if it's true or not, or if I'm the only weirdo who might find it plausible, or what. But, it could be true, and it might open up something for other people, and despite my reticence to talk about it, hence this huge build up, here goes.

The theory is that any relationship is only as deep as it's shallowest member's level. Deep close relationships are very difficult for avoidants, as you know.

Again, who knows if this applies to anyone else, or even to me, really, but it was a bang up idea.

If I assume someone else doesn't care as much as I do - regardless of reality - then it's "safe" for me to go all in. If the other person is somehow holding back, then it can't tumble out of control.

Let me break down what's bad about that, and why I'm so nervous about posting this.

Okay, but let me start with what's good. If I ever do that to someone, talk like I feel like I'm unimportant to them, that's actually, first of all, complete BS, a mask I'm putting up for protection, and also a good sign of how deeply I feel for them. It's a kind of backhanded compliment.

But what's bad is, if I say it enough someone might actually start to believe it. And that's pretty lame, to say the least. And it's disrespectful, of the person and the friendship. Both of those things could lead to the relationship falling apart.

So the next step for me is, figure out how to feel for someone without the safety net of deluding myself that it's one sided. No idea how I'm ever going to pull that off...