I'm someone with Complex PTSD and mid-level dissociation on the dissociative scale. Up until now, my t has said I fall somewhere between normal and DID. My problem is that I experienced what I feel was a regressive dissociated state on my last session, and I am feeling a ton of anxiety and shame about it.

I have known for a long time now that I have dissociated parts of myself, and that one of them in particular feels like a scared, needy little girl. My t and I have talked at length about it, so it is not a new discovery. My t has told me over and over again that it makes sense that I have dissociated parts that hold trauma. She has said it is nothing to be ashamed about, and that it is precisely those parts of me that need healing in therapy.

However, I have been more than reluctant - terrified even -- to allow myself to be in touch that little girl part of me (and other parts). Whenever I let their thoughts and feelings start to emerge, I feel immediately scared and out of control. The thought of letting my t see those parts of me, should I ever lose control over them in session has deeply shames me. Yet that is what happened in last week's session.

Ever since then, I have felt anxious, guilty, and horribly ashamed. I have been having more nightmares than usual, almost every night since it happened. I can't figure out why I acted that way, and why I didn't prevent it.

I remember it well enough to know I acted oddly. I recall wanting to sit on the floor by the door. I wrapped up in a blanket, and recall feeling very small and scared. I've been in therapy for several years now, and I have never sat on the floor by the door or acted like that. Even though my t has said she has seen me "switch" before, I have always had control over my parts to prevent them from speaking or taking any action. It bothers me that I didn't prevent it from happening last week.

I also remember saying at least a couple of things that don't make sense at all to me now! I feel stupid and childish. A part of me feels really guilty and ashamed for allowing myself to act that way, and let my t see me that way also. Now, a part of me keeps thinking that I must have been pretending because I never act that way. I feel like I've done something wrong and bad too by letting that part of me "slip out."

I know my t sees this as progress because I am letting up on that very strict control I've always enforced over those parts of me. But I just feel afraid and confused. It also makes me afraid that my t might decide I am more dissociated than she initially thought. I haven't been diagnosed with DID in the past because I have co-consciousness. But after a dissociative episode, even though I remember what happened, it always feels puzzling to me because it doesn't fit with how I experience myself at all. I know these are parts of me, but they do not feel like who I am except when I am in the midst of them.

Can somebody please help me understand what's going on or provide some sort of reassurance? I see my t again today and I've told her I feel weird about what happened and think the way I acted wasn't real and/or must be made up.