Hi ThisWayOut, I'm really sorry it's feeling so tough for you, and that the flashbacks are back
But got to say, this: ".........only I'm not good at expressing worry. It would end up sounding like I'm way more spoiled and self-absorbed than I actually am"..........you've never sounded spoiled or self-absorbed on here, and you could tell us a whole lot more, whatever you wanted and you still wouldn't sound spoiled and self-absorbed!!!
So please try not to worry how you might sound to others. You have had so much to cope with, it's completely understandable that you're struggling, that you need support.
And T's absence throwing you........well that's completely understandable too, and while it isn't all about you as you say, reality is that it is effecting you, and that matters.Your feelings/the effects matter just as much as anything else.
She was out of the office unexpectedly, you didn't have much time to prepare yourself for that, you'd already been going through a tough time, you're naturally worried about her, and now her return time is uncertain for you.........so nothing wrong at all in trying the hotline, just to see if they can be there for you after/during all of this.
Sure try other things as far as you can, but nothing wrong in phoning if it might be beneficial.
And: "I'm not sure I want to not cut", from your posts I don't think you do want to cut, do you??
It's perhaps more that sometimes you feel you have no other workable options........nothing else will fill that gap, nothing else is going to fill that need or that need closes you off to other things???
I'm not seeing it as much as a choice in the "Do I...........don't I??" considered sense. But if you could maybe try to find a way to add the hotlines into your armory a little more after you've seen if you could try other things??? I know that really isn't easy for you, but they have sometimes helped in the past, haven't they??
And we're here for you as well!!!
Still, hopefully you've now got to see your T/she's returned??? But you know where we are if you want to talk..........

Alison