I like this guys channel it's very enlightening and uplifting, but I do struggle with this being either too cold or tender.
See there is a lot of things that are what I do and don't do. I'm not too soft anymore since I was a teenager or when I really like someone. Most of the time if I don't like them, it's easier to show my aggressive side and being myself. It's easier to open up without fear of being judged.

I find this funny every girl I had a crush on tends to be a crushed desire, sometimes a lust, but the last two were real feelings and I got crushed bad, because I was an inconvenience. Rather it hurt me when my friend who found out I liked her when it was too late.

Never knew despite how blunt I was.

I was blunt because I wasn't scared for once, and she hurt me. Now I want to hide everything. I just want to push every female who gets close to me, because I am not worthy to show what I can do ever. Even if I am attracted to them I will shown no emotion and starve myself when I do see a girl I like or know or meet. It causes me so much anguish being so young and all you want to do is not be afraid of being aggressive, but I'm not overly nice, I'm not a push over. I'm hurt and I hate people.

I avoid people, especially girls they expect me to want them when I had no feelings or want for them. Yes it may hurt for them, but they won't tell me they never tell me they like me. So it's the reality of things, so I give them a taste of their own medicine they don't like it. So it doesn't break my heart.

I end up helping a lot of my female and male friends get dates. I know a way to a woman's and man's heart, and I know a lot about human sexuality and attraction, but I cannot do it myself, and help with my own knowledge to apply it, because I've been so hurt.

I've own up and deal with it, but when you have such a bad sore and no matter how much alcohol wipes and disinfectant and anti venom to clean that wound. It hurts just like the day you just got it.

See women, not all but the ones. I did show anything this is your result of damaging someone, trying to be overly picky or play off as your better than me or someone else or I'm not your preference.

Since I'm second to last to you. You'd pity me rather than love me for me. And the ones who do that, **** you. I hate you, and I hope everything good and bad comes out with your life. I can't change anything, but I love and hate you. You deserve the world of happiness you can share for yourself how you want, but I damn hate you for destroying anything in me.

It's my fault for choosing to feel how I feel, but I'm not weak.

Women took my virginity, my safety, my sanity, my heart, my daughter, my freedom of expression, and my hope to feeling that being a man will work out. I still choose to fight on, but rather. Every time I see someone I like or maybe interested in, I'll never talk to them or tell them I like them.

Yeah that's my problem, but I'm not scared. I don't have the patience to go through all your drama to get hurt in the end. It's never worth one minute to talk to you if you want me to get out of your life.


I posted this, because I need to have a female only insight not male, because I already know the advice I've been given. It's very impersonal and hurtful, because it's untrue and rather just a way to shut me up.

Rather, I will keep losing all my weight. If I end up looking terrible from being anorexic again from just liking someone. They'd just find out afterwards when I'm skin and bones.

The advice, I expect is, well you're trying to achieve perfection no one wants perfection, just be you, but what if you isn't good enough. So I got to find other people who are more like me, you don't get it do you..

I am the outcasts of outcasts. I walk alone on a cold winter day to have me myself and I time. Not me and anyone else time.

I don't like being around people, I get clausterphobic and I dread working at mcdonalds talking to people. I dissociate myself from this whole existence to get by, some days, I've tried to run away without telling anyone. I could do it again very soon again if I wanted to, but I just want to see what unfolds. My life was nothing but unfair and unusually cruel what I deal with and girls I meet only pity and misunderstand me.

See I can't get past the pain that I can't or should never expect to get over and go away. I lost two of the most important people I loved in my life, my daughter and my grandmother.

I cry all the time how badly I miss them, how if I saw them I would scream out of shock and overwhelming grief and joy.

That if I don't talk to you doesn't mean I don't like you. I am too much stuck in a world of grief that take too much time to worry about what you like what you do and deal with whether I should bother with you or not.

I'm not ever the nice guy. I don't want to be the nice guy.

I'm a rebel, no one can tell me how I should feel or be. No woman should tell me, I get this, because my mother tells me how much of a piece of **** I am when she is mad about anything that isn't about me.

You see my past relationships I was too nice and I lost more than I could repair. So any advice that I need don't tell me the obvious. I'm aware I need healing. I am at a lack of connecting and friends by me.