I'm not sure if I'm actually depressed and it's really bugging me. I feel like I'm pretending to be depressed but idk. Well here's a little about me first:

Growing up I have always been bullied in basically every single grade. I didnt make friends too easy because of that either. Nobody helped me with it and it never went away. My family never paid any heed to my problems and neither did my teacher (infact my teacher refused to help; instead he picked on me too and rudely said that the reason everybody hates me is because I'm quiet when infact I was quiet because everybody hated me). It was really tough and I *almost* killed myself (tried 3 times). The bullying has stopped now although it still haunts me that it'll happen again.

Along with this I always had self-esteem issues when i was a kiddo that led to EDs. I don't have an ED anymore but still extremely low self-esteem.

My family is really dysfunctional too. There is a communication barrier and everybody just really hates on each other in the family. There really is nobody to go to.

But after all this I still don't know if I'm depressed or not. It's kind of hard to explain. Like I know I do get depressed even after the bullying and my ED has stopped but am I actually depressed that I can get diagnosed clinically? I get depressed and I SI, cry, don't do anything, intrusive thoughts etc. for months on end and then I start to get calm/content (probably lasts maybe a couple of days to a week or something; sometimes more depending) until I get knocked to my knees again (almost like a crash or something). Is this a MI or something? It really makes me doubt myself whether it's all in my head and I'm forcing myself to be depressed.

My intrusive thoughts are always there though. One time I tried to convince myself that I'm a liar and I don't have an MI and I tried to block out my intrusive thoughts (basically I was yelling at myself in my head when an intrusive thought popped into my head). It didn't really help though. My intrusive thoughts just don't go away. Maybe because I'm used to the thought from before? I have no idea....

I don't thik this is bipolar though because I'm not 'manic' per se. I haven't really done anything really radical when I'm not depressed. Maybe just spread a few smiles now and then and just feeling happy and that I want to dance but nothing extreme and over the edge.

Maybe this is depression episode. I have no idea. Or maybe I'm normal... It just really confuses me because I feel like I'm lying to myself or something when I think I have depression. Ughh I don't know. Just so so confused Probably should go to a psychiatrist and actually find out but I know I'll just feel like an idiot if I really am normal and I'm trying to force depression on me.

Sorry if this is a stupid post.