Hi everyone,

I've never joined a health forum before, but I'm at that point in my life where I'm unsure of where to turn. I don't know if anyone wants to hear my story, but here's a summary:

- Age 6: Diagnosed with sleep apnea and adenoids removed.
- Age 8: Diagnosed as hyperactive and borderline gifted. Doctor said I would grow out of hyperactivity.
- Age 8: Traumatic episodes in grade school involving authorities locking me in janitor's closet for hours or entire school days; ostracized by fellow students.
- Puberty: What I considered typical - lots of anger, fighting, some emotional abuse from parents.
- Age 19: Fell in love with abusive person, traumatic physical abuse episode left me bloody on front steps and friends had to fetch me home. Diagnosed with anger management issues and unsuccessfully treated. Diagnosed by separate doctor with major depression, not treated. Diagnosed by separate doctor with bipolar, not treated.
- Age 20: Moved back home with family - emotional abuse continued. Traumatic episode involving hurricane that wiped out town I grew up in and losing friends/grandmother; no emotional support provided.
- Age 21: Diagnosed with PTSD, not treated.
- Age 22-25: What I considered typical 20s - lots of sexuality and inability to consider long-term consequences for my actions.
- Age 27: Traumatic episode arising from past promiscuity - began to believe others may be out to get me. Diagnosed with anxiety and ADHD, not treated.
- Age 28-30: Began pursuing serious treatment options for depression and anxiety. Unsuccessful attempts in medicating for anxiety and depression.
- Age 29: Discovered my mother has borderline personality disorder and short-term memory loss - brought understanding to emotional abuse but also triggered a lot of anger.
- Age 30: Serious depressive episode starting at age 29 continues. Peaks of high energy and not feeling "myself" but trusting in antidepressant medication, reliable and loving partner, and one psychiatrist (visit once a month) and one psychologist (visit weekly) to help me improve.

This week, my psychologist contacted my psychiatrist and said based on her observations of me over the last year, the struggles we've had in my medication, and recent behavior in a group therapy class have lead her to believe (and my psychiatrist agreed) that I may be suffering from bipolar II disorder. I undergo a full diagnostic in 3 weeks, but the agony of realizing I may be bipolar and having to wait is killing me. My boss has asked me to cut back hours at work for my own health and I find myself feeling "lost."

I do not know anyone with Bipolar II disorder, nor do I know what it may have been like for others to experience it without realizing it, and what the diagnosis (and hopefully subsequent treatment) may have been like for others. Is there light at the end of the tunnel?

I am ashamed, I am looking at all the traumatic episodes and abuse as my fault - as results for possible hypomanic episodes. I'm looking at a lifetime of mistakes and wondering if they are all parts of a continuing cycle...that I may be prone to accidentally throwing away the wonderful relationship I'm in and enjoyable job I have during another episode. I'm so terribly depressed and have been for a while - is this a low? I worry that my relationship may have been built during a stable episode and that I could lose it because of an attitude I can't seem to control.

Is this Bipolar or have I just finally broken? Please help.