It hurts when someone likes me. I'm beyond damaged it's a curse and badge I try to hide. My ex gfs either beat me and cheated on me, killed themselves and when revived blamed it on me.

One girl I loved was one sides all the time l, she abused me aborted our daughter after convincing herself we should have a child when I was 18.

I cry all the time of how bad I miss my child feeling she was taken from me. How I feared the pain she would endure from her mothers abuse done unto her what I would experience it being left out of the situation as a no good father when she would probably hurt her. I'd never let no one do that to my girl. Not even her mother, I cry so hard because no girl understands. I'm too exhausted to try I'm to exhausted to love or receive or give but u do it anyways.

I starved myself struggling with anorexia again because I can't handle the stress of eating and the shame I feel.

I can't begin how I would rather die than be in someone's arms again. My mother never felt like she loved me in the way she preaches. She is so concerned about herself and her who if she hurts everyone around her to make her feel secure of herself she will do that. My grandmother who died of Alzheimer's I watched happened when I was 12 she was very close with me.

People who know me well don't know how much I would prefer jumping off the bridges or in front of traffic because the agony of continuing seeing the damage I didn't mean to cause happened when ik it wasn't my fault but it feels like it.

I needed a life best friend not a lover, not a hookup, not a gf ir date. Not a friend or acquaintance.

Someone who I see all the time a separate entity that makes me feel alive and proud. Someone who loves me for me. But I've never known what that really is.. Being truthful.