Well, I haven't actually *connected* with her yet. I'm confused. Every time I see her, she's happy and excited to see me, and friendly. She seemed enthusiastic about the idea of doing lunch, and sent me her email right then and there. And... she hasn't replied to my email asking her about scheduling, and what days/times work best. So, now I feel a little stupid. She may be too busy, but I don't know why she wouldn't say something like, "Oh wow, I'd love to grab lunch with yo sometime - but right now my life is just crazy busy, I'm working three jobs, home schooling the kids, and taking a cooking class. I just don't think I can fit it in... but thanks for asking!" Or whatever. Maybe she really is just nuts.

Your hiking-as-a-job analogy works, I see what you mean. I just can't give up on the idea that there must be a job that's at least *tolerable*. Maybe it's just hard right now, because my current job feels so ridiculous. Seriously, I've done *nothing* at all this week. I called in to 1-2 short meetings but I have not done any actual work. At all. As in, I've spent huge chunks of my day catching up on the DVR. It just feels so *unreal*.

I guess I need to ping my boss (again!) and remind him that I have plenty of room for a new project. Maybe I need to start sending him weekly reminders (you know, since we don't actually do status reports or regular team meetings, hahahaha! )

The Americorps program sounds like a neat alternative, though the really low pay sounds a bit painful! How long is the commitment?

"I've had a tendency in the past to overplan projects, though, so... it's just frustrating. I know that the majority of people self sabotage in this way, but I hate doing it! I want to be different!"

Wait, really? Are you sure that most people overplan? I think I had the impression that most people do no planning (maybe it's just the people in my world!) - which would make you plenty different!

Either way, I think breaking it up into chunks that you can get done in 30 or so minutes makes total sense! And then, set some time aside to do those chunks - good luck! I hope you can get some of that off your plate, I love the feeling of having accomplished something, and I bet getting to that point will give you a bit more motivation to work on the rest of the projects!

"I also have this overwhelming sense that I used to be different - but was I?" How so? Do you mean that you think that previous-you would have got the projects done more quickly? Or is it something else?

I guess we're always different, in some way... I mean, we're always (hopefully) learning new things and changing, experiencing different things that change us and our world-views. So, yeah, you probably were different years ago. I'm sure I was... and I don't know if the change has been for the better.

Hey, maybe that's part of happiness? Feeling like you're changing for the better, like you and your life are getting better each year. It does kind of suck to look back over the decades and feel like, "meh, none of it really mattered and I'm not really any better off than I was twenty years ago".

If you're ready for bed at 8pm, maybe you really need the sleep? You seem to get up super early (judging from your posts!)... maybe your body just needs some rest? Nothing wrong with that!

And thanks, I will try telling my brain to stop feeling bad about the lack of work. I think really it's the sense of boredom though. And, the sense of not mattering, of being invisible, stuck in a corner and forgotten about. I feel so unimportant which would be fine if it were just a few days, but it seems to be a long-term recurring theme at this particular job. Yuck!

Hope you got your clay project finished and had fun with it!