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ScarletPimpernel · Mar 19, 2015, 12:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hankster

How are you "catching" yourself?

I'm not 100% sure tbh. I think it really is that I live off other people's energy. It's how I survived my whole life. As a child, my life revolved around what love I could find and my imagination. I had so many attachments to women... When I was in kindergarten, I was literally holding onto my teacher at all times and when she needed a break, she'd either drop me off with the cook (who I was also attached to) or the babies (being around babies have always calmed me). From 1st grade to 5th, I had a few friends, but everyday I would spend time with the woman who was on yard duty. That connection with women has kept me alive. Which is also why the loss of my T and similar women is so devastating.

How am I doing it now. I'm surviving off of all the support I'm getting. Each post on here, the 1min check-ins with the clinician, the DBT facilitator, the group, the counselor from the crisis house, the advocate, knowing I will be seeing a clinician for 6 weeks, my dogs, my fiance, my mom... I am living off of everyone's energy. It's like a trade. Everyone gives me support and in return, I must give back my safety. I must put in effort. And the continued support keeps me accountable. It's a reminder that I'm not alone, someone knows I exist, someone cares, and I will not take that for granted.

Beyond that, it's simply having a schedule and again accountability. I made a dentist appt, if I don't show, they don't get paid. I have a time to be at group, if I don't show, I don't deserve the extra support the county is providing. My dog needs to get her stiches out on Friday, if I don't survive, then I can't be there to support her.

That just reminded me. Sorry for the depressing example, but I hope it will show more of who I am.

Possible trigger:

2 years ago, one of my dogs got sick. She stopped eating and then stsrted vomiting. We took her to the emergency vet. They found out her kidneys were failing. She required a shot to try and help her. I have a huge fear of needles. I will pass out if I watch anyone get a shot or blood drawn. My fiance though couldn't do it due to his disability. So I did it. I gave my dog her shots. I threw up every time and had to go lay down, but I did it. 2 days later, she got worse and we couldn't save her. So we decided to put her to sleep so she wouldn't suffer. I choose to stay there when they put her to sleep. Emotionally, it might have been the dumbest decision I ever made. I still suffer flashbacks and break down into a full blown bawling. But the reason I did it was not for me. This little 9 year old dog had saved my life so many times. She endured my mental health and still loved me through it all. I was not going to abandon her to die alone in the presence of strangers. I want her to know that I was there for her until the end she like she had been there for me.

So I survive off of love. I survive off of structure. I survive off of accountability. I survive because I want to love others and give back. I really want to live my life. I want to be healthy and happy. And somehow I have to survive all the trauma and setbacks and hope that my happiness is around the corner. So I do my best to take a step. I hold onto all the feelings of love and care for as long as I possible can until I need a "refill" or a "fix".

That's the best way I can describe how I do it.

I do fail...a lot. But so long as I can find that support, I always get back up.