Hi Valentina, Thank you for responding and inquiring.

The "episodes" or whatever they might be called have occurred about three times in the last five years or so. There may be others but my memory is poor and I'm having a lot of trouble piecing things together right now.

- Episode 1 (or at least, the one I can recall): I was in a good (non-abusive) relationship and comfortable. But I started to feel as if I had too much testosterone or something - I can't really explain it - I became angry, and slept with someone I just met. I went to a casino and gambled and partied - I acted as if nothing could stop me and I somehow "deserved" to have all this "fun." However, the fun wrecked me. I lost money, I nearly lost my relationship, I lost myself. I look back and I CANNOT understand what got into me or why I did it. This period lasted about three weeks; I hate myself for it.

- Episode 2: I was hit with another angry/sexually agitated state that also lasted about three weeks. Again, I was in a safe, healthy, and stable relationship at the time. This time I slept with someone I barely met and who I was under the impression was in the midst of a divorce. Turns out - this person lied to me and no divorce had yet taken place. This turned out to be an affair of which I am ashamed of to no end. This person's spouse pursued me and I have been scared that people are out to get me ever since. I remember thinking that I can do what I want and I should have always done what I wanted - caution to the wind. When it all came crashing down I of course hit a depressive state that has lasted six months or so.

- Episode 3: Someone I've known for a while date-raped me, even though once again I was in the same stable, healthy relationship that I've been in since the beginning. I decided to pursue this person and sleep with them again, thinking this would somehow empower me beyond the date-rape episode. I remember being in a dream-like state, as if nothing could stop me - and this lasted for weeks. Afterward I entered a more stable state (instead of a full depression) and went back to my healthy relationship, completely abandoning the date-raper (like all those who came before in the other episodes) and "deleting" them from my life. About a year later, I hit a really intense depressive episode that is still active today.

In all, I am still in the same stable relationship I was in at the beginning of these three episodes. My partner knows everything that happened and is working to support me through therapy. We are healthy, and some days I feel happy. But the rest of the time I feel like I can never get past the monster I was, and I'm scared it could happen again.