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Originally Posted by Mefisto
Almost everyday i wake up and feel intense pain in my chest because of the memories that appear in my mind. It also happens during the day, evening and night. Sometimes i distract myself, but most of the times i cant. Sometimes i cry and yell when nobody is around.
I've read a lot about how such permanent stress can cause cancer and other illnesses. It probably will happen to me and there is nothing i can do. Mindfulness isnt working. Nothing will erase my memory. Nothing will bring me closure. Time does not heal, its been 7 months already and the wound is still as fresh as new.
I cant imagine what will change in future, what should happen so those memories would stop bothering me so much. I probably will live like this for the rest of my life, which would be very short one. Does permanent stress really kills me people? If so, im doomed to very bitter end.
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Hi Mefisto,
Sorry you're having a hard time, and that you're waking up in pain and having repeated memories you don't like. It sounds like you went through a lot of trauma, and you're reliving bad things that happened. It also sounds like you are worried a lot.
Seven months is really not that long a time after a major traumatic experience. It takes a long time to heal, and not everyone heals at the same pace. But I don't think you have to live like this for the rest of your life -- you can work on reducing stress and things will slowly get better.
If you can't afford a full price therapist right now, can you afford to go to a university or college where there are sliding scale therapists? Often these are psych grad students and their rates are far more affordable.
If even that is out of reach for you, and mindfulness meditations on your own aren't helping, maybe try finding a free support group (including reading and posting to the PTSD and perhaps grief threads here on PC) that meets in person that deals with the kind of challenges you're living with.
There is also a book I have which -- especially if you're creative -- might help: "Managing Traumatic Stress Through Art". It has exercises you can do, and includes drawing and writing exercises. Some people find this kind of work more effective than talk therapy. The book is $23 or so, but you might be able to also get it at a library somewhere and photocopy it or do the exercises by hand on separate paper.
In dealing with traumatic stuff, I have found that spending too much time alone often makes it worse, too. It's good to distract myself, and have a goal to spend a certain amount of time of doing something for someone else. It doesn't have to be big... it can be baking a pie and sharing it with a neighbor or chatting with someone online about their day and new TV shows. Something not even remotely related to what you have experienced, though, as you're trying to give yourself a mental health break from what triggers you.
I hope you find something that helps you.