I grew up in a bad household. I was angry, disobedient, punched my grandma in the stomach, and was rude growing up. To this day, I still have bad manners and anger problems. My mom and dad were really there for me. No one knew how to be properly social in my family. Not social, like friendly social, but how to behave like decent human beings in society. Not very much "love" there.

****Im just so sad. Its hard because the rest of society is mean to me. Because they see a crass twhat. I dont expect them to be nice to a twat. It just makes it harder for me to develop into a decent human being when people dont understand you and never will. Ive tried many times but i messed up. You grow up not believing you do not deserve to be loved. I dont know what real love and respect withn myself. Oh my Lord, my cousins were mean to me. My cousin saying I was "not full Filipino" like the rest of them. My other cousin calling me a loser when i was younger. My other cousin calling me ugly.****

I grew up around a lot of racism. So to be "betteR" than my cousins, i went to college claiming the Japanese culture because my grandmother is Japanese. Japanese is "better" than Filipino. I ended up getting a mathematics research position, offer for advising by the head of the department (I knew I was bright, but I didnt know I was that bright. Damn.) Then I met "John". John told me I had a special brain. If you dont believe me, he was rich, highly intelligent, and known by society. He knew me like the back of his hand when I first met him the first day. Brilliant. I got into his graces by working hard mentally to transform myself. No, he didnt use me for sex and no, he wasnt a liar. he was the real deal who was respected by many people and traveled in 40 countries. Of course he left, because even though I had something, I was still a child in rage underneath.

The depressing part is when i became proud of my accomplishments, my bully of a cousin tried to degrade them and say that I wasn't special. That felt like **** so badly. I worked so hard to try and accomplish things on my own and be a part of the community. And the only thing he contributed was making me angry and upset when he had called me a loser when i was younger. Thats why I wanted to say "F U" to him.

I am mean. But people who have never had love dont know how to love themselves. Attention =/= love.

But I still try everyday with whatever I got left. Volleyball and exercising helps, mentally. I got a little glimpse into what the real world feels like. Community. Society. Confidence. Self-esteem. Obedience. Freedom. All from one day of leaving the computer and playing volleyball with... people O_O. I take my future seriously.