Another difficult night... I keep going over the whys as if that would give peace.

I miss her. I'm hurt by her. I'm angry at her. Part of me wants to run to her begging, the other part wants to send her dead flowers or something like that.

I'm confused as to why me? Why did she change? Maybe it wasn't my fault, but what about me or my situation made her change so drastically? I will never know. Even if she called me up tomorrow and said "I terminated you because of xyz", would I believe her? If she came to me apologizing and offered to help me, would I accept it? Pretty sure I wouldn't. She's not the person I thought I knew. Was I just idealizing her the entire time? Was any of it real?

As more time passes, more memories arise. She said her concern comes from a place of love and she said she wants me to feel loved and safe with her. How can the woman who said things like that, and made so many promises change so quickly and do this to me. I don't get it.

While the change is confusing, it's the loss that hurts. I want her to take this pain away. I want her to comfort me like she used to when I was struggling. I have no one in my life who cares for me in the capacity she did.

It just hurts so much. I feel so vulnerable, fragile, weak... I wonder if the times I'm at peace is truly me or a "mask" I'm wearing. I know people don't realize the thoughts that go through my mind, how often, and how severe. I make jokes about it sometimes, but they don't get it.



I do have to say that the purpose of my tattoos are working. I badly want to SI in those areas, but the tattoos are detering me. I think I'm going to need to tattoo my whole body if I want to quit

I just can't believe I was abandoned again. I can't believe she's gone. How do people do that? Just vanish like that? Well, that wasn't vanishing. That was stabbing me in the heart and then vanishing.

How do you try again? How do you trust again? I'm usually great at reading people. Were there signs that I just didn't listen to? Like my continual fear of her? All the debating over words? The push/pull? I have never had it that severe with anyone in the past except with an ex-bf...but that was a bad dynamic to begin with (Bpd + Aspergers = extremely difficult relationship).

But I loved her. I still love her. Why? Am I being delusional. I don't want to suffer from this amymore. I'm tired of the pain. Locking myself away from the world was so much better.



All I want is for the pain to stop...one way or another. How do you make the pain stop? Really. This isn't a hypothetical question. How do you make the pain stop? How do you find the strength and motivation to keep moving forward when you are simply coasting at a snails pace?

Do I just have really bad luck with people abandoning me? Do I attract that type of person? Am I doing something to make them want to leave? I'm good with boundaries. I'm good with support, caring, and empathy.

I'm just lost in a dark haze. Maybe morning will bring back a little light.