Hey Scarlet,

I'm sorry you are having dark thoughts at the moment.

The pain must be immense. I just wanted to say (although I don't know if it's helpful) that it's ok for you to feel the way you do -- it's ok that you still love your t and mourn the loss. She had an incredible impact on your life, both positively and negatively. The way she terminated you is absolutely unacceptable, but what helps me in similar situations is to distinguish between now and back then. I'm sure that not everything she did for you was bad. What happened doesn't mean she was insincere from the beginning.
I'm currently in the process of splitting up with my husband of fifteen years, and there is so much pain lodged in the formerly happy memories now. I try hard not to let the current situation ruin those memories. They make me very sad, but I try not to invalidate them. My husband and I both have given and taken in this relationship. We have both grown. Even if we split up, this still remains true. And I think the same can be true for other relationships we have in our lives.