Hi,

Hoping to get some feedback on an issue with therapist!

Appointments with a psychiatrist and/or therapist have always been extremely uncomfortable for me. I've made a lot of improvements by working really hard to communicate more and better. Still, even with the improvements I'm set back pretty easily (i retreat) but my set backs have mostly occurred outside of the appointments (the anxiety fall out is experienced at home which makes therapy still really stressful but at least more useful).

I made an effort to communicate to both pdoc and t that the appointments are a big deal for me and I struggle with them but that it's something I really want to do.

I've just started seeing the therapist and had a hard time talking in a session. I told her I was having a hard time talking that day and I brought a notebook to doodle in because I was concerned this may happen and have noticed I can sometimes keep myself talking if I slightly distract myself at the same time. T said I could leave if I wanted to. It sort of stung and I asked if she was under the impression I didn't want to be there. She said she was not under that impression and that she had had clients that did not want to be there and I didn't act that way. I decided to view the statement as an effort to help me feel more in control...

Next appointment starts with her saying 'I have to have surgery and will be gone for three weeks' not so great news. I had some disappointing stuff happen earlier in the week and I guess I was especially vulnerable because when she told me this news I just went blank and literally could not speak. It wasn't that there was stuff in my head I wouldn't/couldn't get out, I literally couldn't form words in my head even and it was as if a large ball of cotton was lodged in my throat. I was trying to stay present, trying to find words, trying to say something. I was doing everything I could just to try and stay in the room...
She said, 'you can leave if you want'.
At that moment I couldn't bare to stay another second and left.
As I handed her the check before walking out the door she said 'you aren't
even going to say something before leaving?'

I never threatened to leave therapy or criticized this therapist. I don't understand the line 'you can leave if you want to' as a response to my difficulty speaking. It feels manipulative, it feels like there is a subtext. She said it both times very nonchalantly but didn't seem to like that I left and even emailed me 'checking in' after the appointment. I don't get it???

Does anyone have any suggestions with how to deal with this?

Difficulty speaking and retreating like a turtle are really big issues for me and I need a therapist that can help with this specifically. I thought I made that clear to pdoc when he gave me referrals to therapists.

Do others have similar barriers that they have been working on with a therapist and are there things that helped?

I just think an alternative to 'you can leave if you want to' is needed because I feel really not ok/safe when I think of seeing her again.