Scarlet,

When you're deeply depressed it's normal to think that's the only reality and it will never end. I know because I've been there, too. It looks like the hurting is the only thing that is real because it hurts so bad you can't remember anything else but the hurting will let up and then the rest can get in again, and the rest isn't always or even usually easy but it's so wildly beautiful in its own way, in the little things like a song that reminds you of a good memory, a shared laugh, dolphins swimming off shore (do you ever get them in San Diego?) that makes it worth it for no logical reason. Hold on to that even if it's not real now. It will be. Depression is an altered state that goes away. It fool you into thinking it's the only reality but it's not.

In a different post you had some really good insights as to why your T did what she did. You said that she doesn't usually take long-term clients, I think you said she doesn't have experience with people with your particular problems. I don't remember all the details right now, just that she wasn't qualified to work with someone with your particular issues. Which means it didn't have a high probability of her meeting your needs in the long term, NO MATTER WHAT YOU DID.

It's hard for you right now. I so wish it wasn't. The fairy dust that's swirling around you right now? Those sparkles you feel on your shoulders? Don't brush it off yet. It's made from all the good feelings from all the people in your life including us. It will be there for you to use as much as you can and want.

I have no idea how this post will look in the morning. It doesn't matter because I'm not looking at it. But it's for real, okay?

Hugs. I hope you're sleeping and find this when you wake up and things are easier.