I do the same sort of thing.... I hate it, but I'd rather be angry with myself and have some form of a friendship than go all-in and end up without a friendship and distraught.

The times I've opened up I end up being too intense. And then I withdraw. A happy medium just doesn't seem to happen easily, so I am constantly pulling back.

I find it helps me, in its own twisted way, to be able to point out to myself "Well, I didn't try my best, I didn't go all-in, so it's my own fault that this is over" when a friendship ends. Because at least I know WHAT the reason is, instead of wondering what it was I did that time. (Of course, I still think it, but at least I reason with myself). I do the same thing in pretty much all aspects of my life - I just can't go all in because it's too overwhelming when something goes south.

I just have to keep that little bit back to myself - that trust and vulnerability. I can get myself to hand out snipits of them, but it's always practiced and things I can relatively handle.