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color14u · Mar 20, 2015, 10:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Missy44

Hi Guys

I’m a 20-year-old girl and in May 2014, I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. I went into one CBT session at my old university (Now I have transferred to a MUCH better university). Since then I have been on anti-depressants which have helped, I have read Paul Mckenna’s help books, been through counselling, and have started brain exercises, and they have helped me cope.

Now I am feeling a lot better and my depression is A LOT milder, and I feel less anxious overall. But I am still having this same really big problem in my life since I was diagnosed with “Severe” depression in May 2014. Basically I have this really really really intense fear of committing suicide, I always see myself ending my life at home. These racing and very frequent thoughts disrupt my daily life when I am trying to concentrate on tasks etc.

It seems so irrational and illogical to me why I still have these horrible thoughts as I think suicide is 1000000000000000000000% pointless for me. I love my family to bits and would hate if any one of them committed suicide. I have never wanted to do this to them and myself and I know there are hundreds of reasons not to do it! I believe that “relief” is a feeling and cannot be felt if I am dead, also it is no relief for others around me. Suicide will not do anything for me except stop the anxiety of doing it – that Is probably one of the reasons why I get these thoughts. But I am soooooo scared if I do end up losing control and actually doing it!!! I have never self harmed or have any anger issues and my mum isn’t worried and believes I wouldn’t do such a thing – I REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY wish this were true! I don’t suffer from bi-polar or OCD, only dyspraxia and dyslexia which affects the way I process information. I’ll mention again that I have never self harmed myself. Please help me I am so scared and tired of these thoughts, it really impacts my life experience! I think it comes to lack of trust in myself. There is only one question I want to ask you guys here:

If someone has a fear of committing suicide and has anxiety and depression, and that they think suicide is completely pointless and stupid, are they likely to do it even though they strangely have the tendencies?

By the way, I only developed these thoughts as soon as I was diagnosed with depression – because of the fact it is associated with suicide. I reckon if there were no link I wouldn’t get these thoughts. I couldn’t bare the thought of my family coping with this.

Thanks for reading guys much appreciated, and sorry for my rubbish grammar!

Have a lovely day! J xx

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