I still hurt emotionally and physically

I'm not really awake yet. Just had a bad dream. So I came here to remember I'm not alone.

The birds are singing, there's a cold breeze, and the sun is just starting to rise over the hill. And I realized that my babies are sleeping around me... In its simplistic form, what more could you ask to wake up to?

Too tired to respond more in depth, but when I really wake up I will.

Kraken1851:
I have to write this now or I will forget. I think you hit on something. Splitting. I cannot see my T right now as a whole person. I cannot accept that the person who loved me is also the person who abandoned me. I'm stuck in the black and white and can't integrate the two. That conflict is causing me a lot of distress. And it goes back to a question I never got the chance to ask her about love. I think this might be a really good thing to bring up with the short-term T.

I can't change my T, I can't change what happened... So I have to change myself via emotions, thoughts, or behavior. I'm working on the behavior aspect. So maybe changing my thoughts (i.e. the splitting), will help me change the emotions