Wow, thanks all, your responses are awesome!

I see the reasons why a therapist may mean well saying that line but still don't think it's useful with a new client regardless of intention. Explaining that one is in control and if they feel trapped... that I get.

I truly think she would say her intention was only to empower me but I feel like it was really her having an issue with my not speaking. The only way I have ever felt empowered is my ability to leave and possibly the biggest, at least one of the biggest, things I'm working on is changing my default defense and learning to stay.

I appreciate all the encouragement to talk to the therapist because I realize that there's really no way to get past it and for me to grow and change the way I want to without doing so.

Right now I feel a bit stuck tho. I have two potential appointments with her before she is gone for three weeks and that makes me feel way too vulnerable to put myself out there.

I just went through a thing that's still an open sore with psychiatrist. I told him that I didn't like something that happened in an appointment via email. His response was so-so, he said something like, 'I didn't intend to communicate that'. I was really proud of myself for bringing it up tho and figured it would feel more resolved once I saw him at next appointment (I have not had good experiences with telling people I felt uncomfortable/upset with something they did or said before, it's resulted in me being treated poorly afterwards). But, I had a heck of a time making an appointment with him because he was going to be out of town. Finally made one and he cancelled it. When I pointed out that his availability had changed since I started seeing him he basically denied it. It sucks!!! I think that he's got something going on and is totally overwhelmed. I basically like him but I'm really disappointed with the way he's communicated with me lately.

So, I just do not feel safe. I get the value of saying something for myself (not holding it inside, expressing my needs, changing MY behavior when I have no control over others...) I just don't feel like I can take another 'hit' right now. It won't matter much what the initial response is because what matters to me is if their behavior towards me changes after I say something. I had a therapist go from nicey-nice and validating to curt and invalidating after I said I was disappointed with how a session had gone. I also have a history full of overwhelmed and burnt out mental health professionals that regardless of how well intentioned they were and decent/nice people they were either sloppy or unable to offer the time/situation it would've taken to resolve anything.

Right now, I've decided to email her and tell her I don't like 'you can leave if you want to' and why (acknowledging I think she was well intentioned). And, I will tell her about the big cotton ball in throat feeling, it's a good suggestion to describe what was happening for me. I'm also going to tell her I'm not planning on seeing her before her absence for surgery and that we can start again when she gets back (if I'm around, another thing is how blah this timing is since I may be leaving the area soon).

This could change. Ideally I would try to get something out of the two appointments. I've had a lot of breakthroughs for me lately in terms of communicating and asking for help. I'm really concerned that pushing myself to go to these appointments when there'll be no real follow-up for an extended period and with the pdoc having gone M.I.A. on me is a recipe for disaster.

Hope everyone's day is going alright.