(((SP))) It's morning hug time! Hope you wake up feeling a bit better today.
Some of those things you wrote in your last post really hit home with me. I had (have) many of those same exact thoughts when I start thinking about losing my ex-T. Completely different circumstances, however. Mine is literally days away from death (in hospice care) right now, but it was still a sudden loss that I was and still am having difficulties with. The "why" I keep asking is "why her?" and "why did she get sick and not me. It should have been me..." I got the news back in October. I still cry about it sometimes - like right now as I'm typing this.
I can relate so much to what you're going through. I want to tell you that the way you are processing this, and sharing this, is so inspiring to me. I admire your strength.

I heard a phrase yesterday and I really like it. The lotus flower is a symbol of peace is some cultures, and it grows out the muck in the bottom of a pond.
"No mud, no lotus"