Quote:
Originally Posted by ragsnfeathers
Scarlet,
When you're deeply depressed it's normal to think that's the only reality and it will never end. I know because I've been there, too. It looks like the hurting is the only thing that is real because it hurts so bad you can't remember anything else but the hurting will let up and then the rest can get in again, and the rest isn't always or even usually easy but it's so wildly beautiful in its own way, in the little things like a song that reminds you of a good memory, a shared laugh, dolphins swimming off shore (do you ever get them in San Diego?) that makes it worth it for no logical reason. Hold on to that even if it's not real now. It will be. Depression is an altered state that goes away. It fool you into thinking it's the only reality but it's not.
In a different post you had some really good insights as to why your T did what she did. You said that she doesn't usually take long-term clients, I think you said she doesn't have experience with people with your particular problems. I don't remember all the details right now, just that she wasn't qualified to work with someone with your particular issues. Which means it didn't have a high probability of her meeting your needs in the long term, NO MATTER WHAT YOU DID.
It's hard for you right now. I so wish it wasn't. The fairy dust that's swirling around you right now? Those sparkles you feel on your shoulders? Don't brush it off yet. It's made from all the good feelings from all the people in your life including us. It will be there for you to use as much as you can and want.
I have no idea how this post will look in the morning. It doesn't matter because I'm not looking at it. But it's for real, okay?
Hugs. I hope you're sleeping and find this when you wake up and things are easier.
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Your post is well written. The fairy dust... it's cute. It reminds me of what my college counselor called "warm fuzzies". She would give me these glass stones. And when I needed her but she couldn't be there, I would rub the stones in my hand. The stone would warm up and remind me of the warm fuzzy feelings I have when I'm with her.
Your post actually reminds me of something I wrote:
The Beauty of Pain
It's just so hard to remember when you're in the thick of it. But it is the little things in life that make the biggest differences. It's one of the reasons my biggest goal right now is not locking myself in the house. The sun, sky, smell of tress, grass, ocean, the sounds of birds, breezes, children's laughter, a smile, a butterfly, hummingbird, a flower...there are so many beautiful things around us all. I have to remember that those things compromise of much of my life as the highs and lows of relationships. And it's the simply gestures btwn people. A smile, a wave, a hug, a hello, etc.
It reminds me of one time, a year ago, I had just started going out grocery shopping. My anxiety was starting to get the best of me. Then all of a sudden a little girl, maybe 3 or 4, says "excuse me miss, excuse me miss". She goes "I just wanted to tell you I think you're beautiful". Omg, that made my heart melt. That little girl, those simple words (and you know children are bluntly honest at that age), it made me feel so good. It was the first time I lasted the whole grocery shopping experience. And if I would have locked myself away, I would have never saw her.
So thank you for reminding me of the little things
And yes we do have dolphins in our ocean. Not sure when or how close to the shore they come. We also have seals and whales...and sometimes sharks.... I haven't actually touched the ocean water in like 9 years
Sad when I live so close.