I saw my psychiatrist today and he changed my sleep med regimen and I think it's going to work. 3mg of clonopin + ambien if I need it + geodon 3 hours earlier taken with a 500 calorie protein bar (so there's some extra calories, yay!). I just went to the grocery store and picked up my prescription and a ton of protein bars. I can take them to work and eat them on my breaks. So hopefully I'll be getting more sleep and eating a little more soon. I know self care is important but I've always been someone who puts everyone and everything before caring for myself. I end exhausted and a mess but at least I can usually keep all the balls in the air. I was depressed for at least 2/3 of my undergraduate degree and I still got a 4.0 in my major, graduated cum laude and got honors in my department. Was I miserable? Heck yes. But I still think it was worth it. I still recognize that my habits could use changing though. Self-care skills are worth learning and engraining.

The thing I worry about with grad school is that I feel like I have to seem like a perfect un-defective candidate when I apply and then IF I get in I can spring the mental health stuff on them and start to take it slow, but I can't go into it letting them know that I have issues or they'll think that I'm going to flake out or break down and flunk out of the program (which could honestly happen, but I reallly don't want them to know that).

I would love to be able to take extensions on papers if I'm manic or at an extreme in a depression, or have a little longer to take tests (I'm getting tested for dyslexia and dyscalculia soon, which might help with that). And for work, I guess the best I could hope for is to be excused for taking a "mental health day" every now and then if I need to, like if I haven't slept in a week, or if I'm manic too the point where it would be unsafe for me to be driving or working with the elderly people. I wouldn't want my bosses to think I'm lazy if I had to do that. I would want them to treat me respectfully.