I used to love sex. I’m not sure when it happened exactly, or why, but gradually I just stopped liking it. Instead of giving me pleasure like before, now it just hurts. Instead of being something I look forward to, it’s now something I dread doing.
I can't ever just let go and enjoy myself anymore. Sex is like this anxiety ridden, and sometimes painful, thing that I simply must keep doing to keep my husband happy. No matter how much I try to stay ‘in the moment’, something always gets in the way. My thoughts are always racing a mile a minute, and while I’m trying to use positive self talk and my mental prowess to force myself to relax and just enjoy, it doesn’t really help. L
I’ve been doing some reading about vaginisums (sp?). Sounds a lot like what I’ve been struggling with. They’re muscle spasms, or tightening of the vaginal muscles, so that penetration is very painful. It’s basically an involuntary reflex, like how you blink when something is coming towards your eyes. The website I was reading recommended taking a break from sex for a while. During the break, you basically train yourself to handle penetration, starting slow with one finger, then working up to 3 over a period of weeks or months, till you have no more pain and you can control the muscle spasms.
Two big problems with this: 1. I’ve never liked fingering. Ever. Doing it to myself, or having someone else do it to me. It just feels weird, awkward, or painful. Never any pleasure. Hubby and I even ordered a small toy dildo from amazon for just this type of training purpose, but I don’t like it. It just feels odd and strange, never pleasurable. 2. Hubby had suggested previously that we take a break so that I could get to know my body again and find out what works to turn me on and get me off. He was so damn miserable and depressed the next day, barely even speaking to me even, that our “break” didn’t even last a day. He was just so miserable and awful that I felt like I had to have sex with him, or risk permanent damage to our relationship. So we did have sex, and it was better than it had been in the past, but still not “good” for me.
My main problem is that I don’t even feel like myself anymore. I feel like this strange, foreign person who doesn’t really seem to belong or feel right no matter what I’m doing (in and out of the bedroom.) I’m sure it’s the depression making me feel so down and just totally out of it all the time. I’m trying everything I can think of to make it better. Mostly I just feel like a failure at everything I do. Nothing is ever good enough, I can never do anything right, I can never accomplish my goals – they always seem so far away, no matter how much progress I make.
Last night I had a sex dream, and actually woke up in a pretty good mood this morning. After breakfast, I was still feeling pretty good, so I initiated sex. Partly I did it because I wanted sex, but it was also partly out of a feeling of obligation and duty to my husband. It’s just killing me that this is so hard! I wish I could just enjoy myself, like I used to. I try telling hubby what I like, or what type of touch I want or what pressure, etc. But I still can’t cum.
It was particularly frustrating today – he actually got me pretty close with pressure and rubbing back and forth on my clit like I’ve always liked in the past, but then he just kept doing that same thing, almost like he was on auto pilot and not paying any attention at all. At first it was building up my pleasure, but then it started to seem like he was just bored, or not actually engaged in making my enjoy myself. I’m not quite sure how to explain it… But when I’m going down on him or loving him, I am actively engaged. I vary my touches, speed, technique, never letting it be just all the same thing and get boring. But he doesn’t do that for me, it’s like he’ll start rubbing the clit back and forth, and then just keep doing that same speed/pressure with no excitement or interest. It sends me into a bad headspace, where it seems he is not interested in making me enjoy myself, he’s just doing the ‘chore’ of trying to get me off – and once my head gets in that mental space, I can’t get out of it, and poof – there goes my pleasure. It’s doubly frustrating, because when I am getting reallyclose to orgasm that’s exactly what I need – for him to keep up the same speed/pressure/pace. If he were to slow down, or move to a different spot, it would totally throw me off and then I can’t cum. In trying to think all this through, it’s seeming like I need a variation of touches/speed/pressures while he’s working me up, then once I get close I need him to stick to the one speed/pressure that works and stay there to carry me over the edge. (Why is it so damn complicated to make me cum? I feel like something is wrong with me, like I’m broken or defective – it shouldn’t be this hard or complex to achieve an orgasm.)
I’m so sick of crying about this every.single.day. I feel like I need a vacation from my own life. I’ve been debating calling my aunt and uncle (they live several states away) and asking if I can stay with them for a week or so. They’ve said I am welcome there anytime, but I haven’t actually seen them since my mom’s funeral 3 years ago. Money is a bit tight, but I think I could afford a bit of time off if I go before the planting season when my garden will demand my full time attention.
But as soon as I think seriously about going, I have all these second thoughts and get all anxiety ridden about what it would do to hubby if I left him behind. 1. He would be hurt and probably angry, and I’m sure at the very least he would feel left out. 2. I’d miss him while I was out of state. The most we’ve ever been apart was 4 or 5 days shortly before we got married, and it was torture for us both. 3. My aunt and uncle are very republican/catholic (not that there is anything wrong with that), but I am not and I’m not sure that any advice they could give me would actually help. They have a pretty different world view from me, and so their advice is going to be based on their (imo flawed) perceptions, so it likely won’t help me much.
I don’t want to leave my husband. I don’t want a divorce, I don’t want to have to start all over totally on my own, with no family or support network near by. (Also, this is totally selfish, but I don’t want to lose the garden and flower beds I’ve been cultivating over the years at his grandparent’s house.)
I don’t know what I really expect to gain by taking a vacation away from him – at best, it would give me a break from sex and a chance to take time for myself and try to figure some things out. At worst, I might realize that I’d be happier without him. But I never want to leave him, despite all our sexual problems; I still love him more than anything. I don’t want anyone else.
I won’t lie here – I’ve done some thought experiments recently of what it would be like if I did leave him. I would have to move away to live near/with my aunt and uncle (which also means leaving my awesome job – not an exciting prospect with this economy.) I’d have to hope to meet someone else, someone with a good job and prospects that I could marry and spend my life with. But none of those thoughts actually appeal to me – I just want my husband. I feel guilty for even thinking about leaving. I just wish it could be like it was before, I want to feel like myself, I want to enjoy myself and have a good time, and be able to cum like I used to.
Ugh sorry to post such long rants, but it does help me to organize my thoughts. I still haven’t been able to find any local support groups or therapy I could attend. I wish there was a way for me to get some help that wouldn’t bankrupt me. (I have no insurance.)
Thanks for listening.