My OCD is getting worse, and I'm having a lot of trouble controlling it. I know it all started with me feeding the cats outside, but what really pushed it was bringing them inside. The first one was because she got injured, and we had to take care of her. She recovered, and even went back outdoors much of the time.

I love all my cats, but I fell in love with the second one and brought him in. He's very affectionate, and that is horrible for my OCD. The first one had kittens recently, so there's three more starting to run around.

I want to handle them all, petting and hugging them, but my OCD won't let me do that without a detailed handwashing. And if any part of their bodies touches my upper arms (or face or neck), it takes a more busy amount of washing, and more difficult. I do pet them, but not as much as I'd like or they'd like, and it always means more washing. I want things to go back to before the cats. I hate saying that. I hate OCD and I'm so tired.

My boyfriend is getting super-attached to the kittens, and told me he sometimes thinks of keeping one. As an animal lover, I'd love that. But as someone with OCD, I just feel overwhelmed.

I don't know when my next pdoc appointment is (but it shouldn't be long; six months since my last visit), but I'm sure he will recommend adding another med. I will probably go ahead with it, even though I don't want to be on more meds. They take so much from me.

I have conflicting feelings regarding the cats. I want to find all of them homes (including the indoor cats), but I love them and would miss them terribly. And I hate to put them through losing the people they love. It would be best for my OCD if they weren't here. The cat hair drives me insane, and my OCD is on constant alert.

I really made a hideous mistake when I started feeding the cats. AND I KNEW BETTER! I knew what starting this kind of thing could lead to. I am so stupid! 😭