3:44am. I hate night time. I miss her. I want so badly to call or email or send her a letter. I don't understand.

I wrote a thread on here months back about love. My T told me that her concern cones from a place of love and that she wanted me to feel loved and safe when with her. She also taught me that love is a choice. Why did she choose to stop loving me? If she only terminated with me because she felt she couldn't help me therapeutically anymore, why did she kick me out of her life completely. And if love is a choice, why can't I seem to choose to stop loving her? Amd she told me that right now my need, on Maslow's Hierarchy, is love. Why then did she take her love away?

And how do I know I love her? Well, she also taught me that love is not about one's self. It's about attending to needs. Self love is attending to your needs; love of others is attending to their needs. She has requested me to no longer contact her. I love her by respecting that.

But it's killing me internally. I have to let her go, but I can't. I have so many questions, so much I want to know and learn from her. I want closure and there will never be closure with her.

I know so many concepts, so many coping skills... I understand logic. Like feelings effect thought which effects behaviors which effect each other. Or that emotions are not permanent. Or that I will survive this. I can even challenge my perspective. For example, would I rather lose my T or lose my dog. My dog is more important to me. But the emotions...to be in the admist of it all...all I feel is pain. It's so horrible. It puts me right back to all the other trauma in my past. That desperation, desolation, anguish... If I am stronger now, if I have more support in my life still than I did in the past, then why does it hurt the same? Why does it make me crumble so?

I remember someone posting to my thread about the seasons of people. I know my T was only in my life for a "reason", but I believe she left too soon. And I wanted her to be a lifetime relationship. Is it even possible to have that love, not the romatic type but the emotional, for a person who will stay in your life? That is what I want. Just one person. One person who I can love with my entire emotional being who will stay. Who will love me in return. Is that unrealistic? I really need to clarify that it's emotional love. The love that I have had for women in my life is completely different than the love I have for my fiance, family, friends, or even pets. Is that not love?

I wish I understood this concept of love! I don't get it. I don't get relationships! I don't get people! Am I that different from everyone? Or am I the same? And if I'm the same, then why can't I maintain any relationship outside of romantic and family and acquaintances?

My group facilitator made a comment this week to me. She said that I'm really good at socializing and communicating. I told her thank you, but too bad I'm not good with relationships. She said that socializing and relationships are one in the same. I don't think that's true. If it's true, then why do I struggle with relationships???

Ugh! Pain sucks!