Yesterday and the day before I was suicidal. I felt like a failure and my only option was to leave this world. I chatted with the Suicide Hotline for about thirty minutes and they were able to talk me down. All the while my boyfriend was still asleep in the next room completely unaware of how bad I was feeling at that moment.

Last night, as I layed down for bed I felt this horrible feeling of dread. That nothing will be okay. I woke up this morning after just 7 hours of sleep (I usually sleep nine hours or more) and I am calm. I realize that while my coworkers called me crazy and bullied me and that I lost the best job I ever had things could be a whole lot worse.

I just wish these feelings of calm would stay all the time. I'm so rational right now. I have plans on getting employment. While I have only thirty days to find an apartment or become homeless, I'm not full of the fear I felt just a few days before.

WHY??? What has changed in these moments? Why can't I think logically, rationally all the time?