I had to terminate with my T when I graduated last May, but it doesn't always feel like much time has passed at all. I still think of her every day, analyze things she said and wonder what she meant, and curse myself for not asking certain questions. As I work in the human service field, I am often reminded of her and try to imagine how she must have seen me now that I have a new perspective as a professional (though I'm not a therapist). Sometimes I admit that I purposely think of her because I don't want to forget her, and she serves as a distraction to other aspects of my life.

I finally developed a positive way of remembering her and had the perspective that she cared about me... but then I re-read my journals and messed that up. For one, I'm angry at her because I don't know if she believed that I have what it takes to be in the human service field (due to social anxiety related things-- she was all about me accepting my limitations), and I'm afraid she's right. However, I'm not even 100% sure she didn't believe in me, it just feels/seems that way.

For another, I'm having a tough time believing I mattered when I obviously cared so much more about the relationship (since the therapeutic relationship itself is unequal). I love(d) her so so deeply, as a therapist and for the incredible, amazing person that she is. I can't explain how much I loved her, and still do love her. She showed many times that she cared, but I'm having a hard time conjuring up those reciprocal warm, loving feelings now that she's gone and she may not be thinking about me at all.

And third, I've been down on myself/unconfident lately and thinking about how maybe she would be disappointed if she knew. It's hard to believe that one woman is right that I am worthy and loveable when it is tested in the real world and I can't justify it with evidence (though I admit I'm harsh on myself). What if ultimately our work amounted to nothing- I'll move on, forget about her, and live my flawed life that I was always going to live?

Is it normal to still miss your therapist after a year, and to have difficulty framing the therapy experience positively? Thanks for reading my rant... I feel a little better after writing it. I know some of you will probably suggest I see another therapist, but that's not possible right now.