CANDC- Your post really made me see something that I knew but refused to consider fully. You're right, I wanted my T to be a hero and acted like she was. I rarely disagreed with her or challenged her because to lose the stability of the relationship and my idealization for her was too heavy a price to pay. It would mean admitting she was like the rest of the world and admitting that she didn't fully appreciate/understand me. That in fact no one could ever fully do either of those things, because we're human. I wasn't strong enough to see the real person-- I needed to believe that she had achieved a superhuman level of caring. I tried so hard to please her constantly, I'm grieving over her, and she's just a person.

I think this is just what I needed to gain some self-esteem. Right now, as part of the healing process, I think I need to be angry at her to separate a little from her. And I never thought I'd think that because I didn't dare think something negative about her; it's scary and alters my view of our relationship and what we were. When I'm through being angry, I imagine I'll take a more balanced perspective and realize that she still cared a lot, wished me well, and is a wonderful person. I need to believe in me and it doesn't matter the extent of her belief in me either way. After I read your post, I Googled "idealizing therapist" and found this great article (Demigods on Eggshells « what a shrink thinks). Maybe it's time to inject a little reality into my thoughts. Even as I say this, it scares me a lot because it means giving up something valuable. Or does it? Maybe I can find a way to appreciate and love her and our relationship, while also recognizing it wasn't perfect... I'll keep thinking about it.