Doug lives 5 hours away by car. Asking for a hug from a Catholic priest could be awkward, to say the least. I have 3 cats, but they aren't the type of cats that jump in your lap and snuggle.

Besides, there comes a time in one's life when you want human contact. For years I have lived without it. Now suddenly, I want it badly. It's like I'm aware of all those years that I was without human contact and I'm feeling all that pain with a vengence.

Doug said to allow myself to feel emotions. Now I'm yearning for the days when I didn't feel anything.

I remember the time when Doug held my hand last month during an exercise in forgiveness. I'll treasure that moment. I miss him beyond words. But I won't tell him any of this because it will only upset him, and he only responds to happy e-mails and he doesn't get those very often from me.

At least the pilgrimmage made me happy, for a brief, shining moment and that made him happy. Now it's going to be going back to silence again.

He's my friend, but he'll only talk to me when I'm happy or when he's so ticked off, he has to respond.

It's pointless to tell him I want to be held because he's five hours away, and I'm so painfully shy, I can't let anyone get close to me, as badly as I want it.