Ah, thanks for the explanation about the email. That makes sense. I tend to just check email on my computer, so I don't often miss things in that way. And, I'm sure she's busy. Anyway, I'm trying to reach out to connect better with people, so it's a little bit of a bummer that she didn't respond.

I think part of what's hard with work is that there was a time... long long ago!... when I did have stuff to do. Heck, I used to lead projects. I did tons of user testing, and was getting into more design. I had internal clients that *loved* me.

But our group has been through a lot of changes. A few years back, we were merged with another group and got someone above my boss that hated us, and honestly, a lot of my work stopped then. They decided that they wanted us to be an "innovation" group, so all of our internal clients that depended on us were cut loose... this guy just decided we weren't going to do that type of ongoing work anymore.

Which should be great. There should be a ton of innovative, cool, exciting new projects for me to work on.

But it just hasn't turned out that way. And honestly, if my boss were better at managing a team, it wouldn't have turned out this way either. I hate feeling like I'm being squeezed out though because... (and this sounds ridiculous), if they would just give me work to do, it could be a great job!!!

It feels like a bad movie. And I used to have a bit more zest to find stuff to do on my own, but I'm tired, and struggling with being depressed, and just don't seem to have energy to go and make work for myself right now. Taking a nap is so much easier !

Oh well, I'll figure something out. I'm going to try to talk to my boss again this week. Maybe I'll try setting some work-related educational type goals for myself (i.e. Coursera). I do have a Coursera course starting in a week or so that I need to do for work, so that will occupy my time.

I also think I might sign up for a "Crafty" (?) class on sewing. I'd like to be able to sew stuff... it's something I've only just recently become interested in, but I think it could be neat. And I like that you have something to show for your work when you're done with a project .

Anyway - your project sounds like it could be fun, if it weren't looking so impossible! Meeting with a bunch of people in different groups and figuring out how get them on the same page with technology sounds like it could be very cool! Are they really doing things so differently that it doesn't look like it's going to be possible? That must be so frustrating!

And, it's interesting that you've always felt like you don't get enough done. I wonder if it's really that you're not doing as much as you could, or if you just have very high expectations? Do you think you're naturally a more detailed-oriented planner who wants to get everything figured out first, before jumping into action? That's OK (I'm probably like that ) but it's good to know if that's your thing, so you can consciously pick a point to say to yourself, "OK, that's as much planning as I can do... the only way to move forward is to take action!"

You know, I love reading about various personality systems... have you seen the "DISC" system (forgive me if we've covered this already!)

I don't remember exactly what each letter stands for, because I learned it with colors... but same thing. We all have a little of each "type", but everyone has different levels of strength in each one...

- Blue: Analytical
- Green: Harmonizing (imagination, peace-maker)
- Yellow: Social, Fun, Interactive, Chatterbox, Playful
- Red: Driven - for lack of a better word.

I think you're describing a lack of "red". I worked at a place with a lot of engineers when we had someone come and talk about this system, and most of them were *strongly* red and blue. I have almost no red. The red is that ability to push through, get things done, sense of being driven, leadership ability, etc.

I'm not sure I've got it 100% accurate, but that's how I remember it, and it made so much sense... because I tend to get run over by people like that!

What was funny, the woman teaching this stuff divided us in groups for a few activities. First, she put us in groups that were similar. I'm primarily blue/green, and she put me with a lot of green people. It was one of those tasks where you have to build a tower out of spaghetti... you know what I mean.

Our poor group. Nobody seemed to want to take control, we just kind of were like... really laid back. *I* was the most driven (and I'm not at all driven) and I ended up trying to take charge because the leadership void was killing me. It really was... kind of funny, but sad too! Needless to say, we did not win the challenge.

(The group that won was mostly red, I think... and they cheated! She said red people were also more likely to try to push boundaries and break the rules, especially in a competitive situation like this where they're very motivated to WIN at all costs!)

For the next activity she put us in more balanced groups... my group had 2 mostly red guys who just took charge from the start, organized stuff, were a little bit bossy, but somehow made everything happen SUPER FAST. I sat back a little, and made sure I was ready to contribute my piece of the puzzle when they needed it. We won... but beyond that, it was such a different experience.

I sort of wish I had more of that red energy! But, I don't think I do. I'm just not a take-charge, drive for results, get-it-done-now-at-any-costs type of person.

Sorry for the tangent, not sure if that's helpful. But I was wondering if that's part of what you're feeling... a lack of that "red energy" in trying to get stuff done?