Hi CH:
We used to have a member here who had some confusion about his gender identity. I'll see if I can get ahold of him and ask him if he's interested in logging in and giving you some insight.

Sex 5 times in a month ... actually, that seems about all we can manage considering that life tends to get in the way of that. But regardless of the actual physical act, it sounds like the intimacy is missing as well.

It makes me sad that he regrets 'outing' himself to you. I'm not judging you and don't want to push my personal opinions on you about your situation. All I can say is that if it doesn't feel right to you, then it is good that you are getting help for it. You're not helping him by staying in a marriage that constricts who he feels he is. I'm glad that you're willing to go to therapy about it, and I hope that you can convince him to also go if he wants to save your marriage. You're right to be concerned -- there are quite a few red flags. I only urge you to not judge or criticize him, but instead try to listen to his feelings and not react immediately. If it turns out that you and he do not want the same kind of relationship, then that's fine but I imagine that it must have taken a lot of courage for him to reveal this to you about himself. Whether it's PSTD or gender dysphoria, I'm sure he lives with a lot of turmoil and would appreciate kindness and understanding.

Even if he won't go to therapy with you, I think it would be helpful for you to go anyway. Most people would have a very difficult time dealing with this change in their relationship, and in a way, it's like grieving for a lost future.

Will think of you and send you good vibes,
LMo