Yep. I know that feeling. Strange thing is I want a bigger house if I have one. I downsized terribly to live closer to my mother, and kept the bigger house rented... but mom didn't die LOL that was a good thing...until 10 years had passed and here I am 6 more years later stuck.

I recall, after the devastating sense of loss of everything (even my spouse left) after Hurricane Andrew and how I didn't have "stuff" with which to contend and started out clean and new and empty... and at least with the possibility of going off the grid I have been giving stuff away (and trying consignment shops--- what a downer that is!) and maybe if I can open up my "storage" bedroom and clear out my study some... it will be a nice refuge? I'm not a clutterer in fact I'm a minimalist at heart...but the emotional ties to the things of my childhood...and beautiful clothes and things of my mom's... I took pictures of some and gave them away.. tons of stuff actually...

and of course in all this emotional turmoil I pray for my T to return to clinical work and help me regain my balance... a year... who would have thought I could live even with the modicum of sanity I have found?

But also, psychologically, the van would remove the heartbreak I hold (my error) that none of my sons' families have ever visited me any where I've lived... 2 sons... I texted them recently and of course their guilt put the blame on me said they never picked favorite parent but I reminded them of how they drive hundreds of miles to go fishing with him...and drive right by my home or come to Miami and never even call me.. I never spoke bad about their father, and now that I've tried to show them their behavior, it's my negativity again. Anyway...with a van they would have no reason to know where I was and therefore could not visit (even if they wanted to).

Yeah. I'm making plans but unless the money comes in for the van I guess I'm stuck here doing nothing but breathing and self care.