Tenderheart,

I'm so sorry to hear that you are in such great distress and are under attack on so many attacks on so many fronts.

Depression is a war, and you are a general. To win you have to understand your enemy and know how to defeat him. You also have to understand your capabilities and weapons systems, how to stay supplied, and how to move firepower into place, organize a defense and make counter attacks.

You're in a situation now where depression has been taking more and more land from you and pushing you further and further back into the wilderness. Do you know about the Nazi invasion of the Soviet Union in 1941? In the beginning, the Russians weren't ready for war and didn't know how to fight the Germans. The Germans killed hundreds of thousands of Russian soldiers and civilians and advanced deep into the heart of Russia to within 20km of Moscow. The Russians retreated and experienced one defeat after another on the battlefield.

How did the Russians react to the tremendous defeats and set backs at the hands of the Nazis?

With tenacity, bravery and stubborn resistance. By the Summer of 1942 they were defiantly and zealously declaring "not one step back!," which perfectly encapsulated their stubborn determination to not yield another inch to the invader, no matter what the cost, or what the price.

So my suggestion for you is that you begin by saying "not one step back." Depression has taken all that it will ever take from me, and I am not taking one more step back. I will keep my job and maintain my relationship with my son! I am not taking one more step back!

Then you need to start breaking up your various problems into fronts. For example:

Front 1: Social Anxiety
Front 2: Financial Organization
Front 3: Career
Front 4: Drug Use

Once you have broken the problems down into distinct fronts, you can start to come up with a plan for success on each front.

In my opinion, I would start fighting on the financial and drug fronts, since your spending and what you put inside your body is something you have 100% control over. Say, not one step back! Do not compromise and do not yield, no matter what the cost!

A few other pointers:

Study Your Enemy
Depression and anxiety only have a few weapons and attack styles that they deploy over and over again. Once you learn how to defeat these attacks and then counterattack, you can master depression and anxiety.

Social Connection
You need to get plugged in to a positive social group that will encourage you and help you, and whom you can encourage and help as well. With your social anxiety, I'm sure this will be difficult, but at least make this a goal to work towards. Strong social connection gives you staying power and support in the fight.

Deeper Meaning and Truth and a Cause
You need to establish some bedrock truth and values and morality that you will not compromise under any circumstances. (For me, this is my Christian faith.) You need to find a cause to fight for so that when depression starts asking "why are you doing this? What's the point?" You can instantly deflect the blow and retort, here is why!

It is a war, so I encourage you to find a way to stir up that warrior spirit inside yourself. Do not show depression any mercy. Never yield an inch! Not one step back!

Victory can be yours, but only if you begin to fight!

Not one step back!

Cal30