Hey guys,

Not a native speaker, so bare with me on any grammatical errors, don't wanna come across like an illiterate. Anyways, today is one of the rare days where I feel elevated, happy and motivated. I can't remember when I had my first depressive episode, but ohh boy can I remember my last manic episode.
Back then I didn't know I had bipolar, I thought it was normal. I know what triggered it, the girl I was in love back then, didn't congratulate me for my Birthday and it made me realize we won't happen. I got drunk on my Birthday(21st), I was totally hammered like really really hammered. I slept for like 3 hours, woke up and was just like "Damn I have to go for a run".

I'm not even the kind of guy who goes running regulary, but I just had this immense energy. I went for a long run, then cleaned my whole appartment and started working. The delusions of grandeur were quiet extreme, if somebody asked me if I could find a cure for cancer if I'd put my energy into it I'd say yes while being 100% serious. I was really social as well, I talked to girls with a ridiculous amount of confidence, I was successful with it as well. I worked my *** of that month and was extremely productive, social and overall the way I wanted to be. I was happy.

Then the depression hit and for the last four years I feel like ****. Yeah I did some **** while being Manic, I was really aggressive and if somebody wanted a fight he got one. I kicked a glassdoor in my appartment in after being rejected by a girl I liked it left huge scars(I think it were 30 stitches) and I probably spend too much money. I had like 100k $ in the bank when I was 21 and I made 20k$ in the month I was manic(Trading Forex/Stocks since I was 18). In another manicepisode I flew to Australia, I didn't plan it I just decided I wanted to go to Australia and I spend like 2.5k on the flight because it was lastminute and another 3k on the Hotel.

The last 4 years I've done absolutely nothing, like literally nothing. I just can't focus anymore and when trading forex I just lose my concentration and start making bad trades. I lost all my friends(I was best friends with the people I went to school with since I was 10, we did everything together and were best friends for 11 years), I really dislike going outside and I guess I got socialanxiety now. I still got some money left, not much though, I know I still can make money but my head is just not in the right place to be in a high stress situation where I have to make the correct decisions in splitseconds. I've started taking antidepressants and also started studying again(Dropped out when I was 21). Now I'm looking back and all I can think off is "God I miss being manic, I miss being that person, that's who I want to be, that's who I am" but it's just gone, I haven't been manic for 4 years and I guess I probably never will be again. Now I'm just this miserable version of myself and it's killing me.