4:45am. Another bad night. No one to reach out to. What would I even say? What could they say? I have said everything I can. There are no more words. And everyone has pretty much told me all that they could possibly say. So now it's just suffering. Life goes on all around me, but I'm still stuck. I don't know what the point is to see the county T. I have no clue who she is or even if there will be enough of a connection to get some emotion out of me. And what's the point of a new T? Everyone thought my T was awesome...not perfect, but a damn good T...least for me. And yet she's gone. Ts never stay. They are Ts...that's it. If I could be so blind with my T after 17 months, then I probably don't read people correctly. And why is this new T going to be any good? She doesn't even have her own license yet. I have a bad history with interns.
Maybe it's the depression, but I'm really starting to believe that I just don't fit into this world. I was born with the cord wrapped around my throat. The doctor shouldn't have saved me. I should have died all the times I tried.
I never thought I would live past 13. Then 16. Then 18. After 21, I stopped trying to predict my death. And it wasn't just me who thought that! One of my friends wrote in my high school yearbook to not kill myself over the summer! My h.s. counselor gave up on me. She told me she didn't think I'd live to graduate. I had teachers in tears when I would come back to school after missing a day when I was sick. And then add in all the abandonment.... And neglect. And abuse/being taken advantage of...
I know my life isn't that bad. I have it better than many. But please tell me, what's the point of living when no one has truly loved you? When no one wants you expect for their own betterment? Sure, I have my mom...who complains about her life, her illnesses, her job, and says she doesn't want to talk about my problems because she doesn't want to upset me!?!? My fiance, who has finally stopped taking his anger out on me...for now...who verbally and emotionally abused me, broke my elbow!!! That was the only time I have broken a bone! My older sister, who only says maybe a total of 5 words to me each time I see her. My fiance's grandma who criticizes me every chance she gets: too fat, caused my fiance to have bad manners, not taking care of him well enough, not controlling him well enough. Where's my dad? Where's my little sister? Where's my friends? And now my T....
I'm just tired of trying. That's all I have done my entire life. All I've ever wanted more so than anything else was to be loved. But everyone I have loved, I have lost (except my mom and older sister came back and my fiance is still here). I mean, at 7 or 8 years old, 8 people in my life died in one year (my mom says more, but idk).
I'm tired of being trapped inside my emotional prison. I'm tired of being at war with myself. I'm tired of picking up the pieces and trying again. I don't want to do this anymore. I said that this T was my last T. She knew that! I told her that from the beginning. And here I am....suffering because of my T. I fought to live so many times in these past 17months just for her...because I promised her.
Btw, I have evil thoughts about her now, which hurt to have. I keep thinking of things to send her: dead flowers, tons of pictures of kittens (she hates cats), barbie dolls (she hates the smell of the plastic), a scream mask (she's scared of masks...especially that one), a sarcastic anonymous letter than only she will realize is sarcastic and is from me. I think about calling or emailing. I think about showing up at her office, her school she teaches at....her house (I did tell her I knew where she lived long time ago). I want her back! She said love was a choice! Why did she stop loving me? Why did she abandon me? She's supposed to be here in my life.
I miss her so freaking much. It's not fair. She threw me away and didn't look back. She dumped me on the county. And I'm so afraid to let anyone into my life. I'm so afraid to even try to improve my life since I need help to do that. Am I ever going to get better? Really? Or am I doomed to repeat this cycle for the rest of my life?
Maybe things will be better when I can sleep and then wake up...maybe things will be better after I see the county T tomorrow, or the DBT T on Thursday.
Sorry. This is just where I'm at.