Scarlet, I'm clearly not glad you're feeling so bad but I'm glad you're sharing your pain with us. From what you wrote, you are meant to survive. You are meant to be here.

Let me tell you something I haven't shared with you yet. Take it anyway you want. I'm not sure what to make of it myself. Two weeks ago, when this first happened, I strongly felt for you but felt inadequate to help. When I answered you, especially in the middle of the night, I first got quiet inside myself then just wrote. A lot of the time I didn't know what I was going to write, it kind of came out. Now I wonder if some of that was just coming through me from some kind of a...what people call a higher power? Idk.Take that as you want but what I'm trying to say is that all those times you tried to kill yourself and it didn't work? It didn't work because you are meant to be here, to touch people's lives the way you're touching mine, ours here.

It wasn't at all the same, not even remotely close, but I told my ex T she was my last T. The truth is, she was a good T for me at the time, she taught me what trusting a T is like, then she became the wrong T for me so I finally moved on and found a T with his own personality and approach, who is helping me in a different way, and in the end I will have parts of both T's in me, but they'll be expressed through my personality. The same goes for you. Our T's are very important to us. Mine is to me right now. But in the end, you and your uniqueness are as special as anyone else's is. maybe your connections will never be like the TV show images but you have connections and can work on strengthening them without discounting what you have now.

I'm so not a relationship expert and I have no idea how functional or dysfunctional your relationship with your fiancee is but right now, from what you said, he's there for you because he cares about. Take his caring right now and try to internalize some of it. Right now your work is to heal from a hurt that you never deserved.

Is your old counselor still working? It's okay to reach out to her. She cares about you, too. You can call this week and next week.

I could say more or better but I want to send this now so you see it.

Nights are really hard for you. You're not alone, really. And you are giving much valuable. I see it on here. It's called love.

Value yourself, please.