((Jane)), I hear you, I have asked the same exact questions and I hate it myself. I hate how I get embarassed too, I feel very lonely with that challenge because of how others don't understand it too. I hate how when reminders are put in front of me I react and don't have control over it, yes, it is embarassing, I hear you there too.

Actually, that is right where I am right now and I am not doing well with it. I am trying VERY hard. And I make sure that when I "do" react badly that I don't "punish myself" for it. I do know IT IS NOT MY FAULT.

Jane, what happened it not your fault, your mind and body knows you were hurt, it is responding as it was designed to respond too, "this really hurt me, I need to pay attention and "fight/flight".

You know what Jane? We are Human Beings, but we are also "ANIMALS" too, we have always been designed as other Animals and Mammels to respond this way for SELF PRESERVATION. Honestly, my horses DO remember and react this way too, an abused dog will cower and pee in fear, or fight bearing it's teeth, or RUN away.

When people RESCUE abused animals, they KNOW these animals are very SENSITIVE and they treat them with care and understanding. Well, we are no different, we are more intelligent, we rationalize the most, but we still have that same design that ALL animals have.

What these performers were actually doing is educating the people watching them what kind of behavior is ABUSIVE. And how YOU reacted, even what any of them happened to see, IS WHAT CAN RESULT FROM this ABUSE. Well, I don't know if the people watching this "theater" are others in the university "learning" only, but while it is important for them to understand and see what ABUSE does look like, they should also see "what the result YOU are challenged with looks like too". Think about it Jane, WHY are we supposed to feel like we have to hide it and be ashamed of it?

Jane, I am NOT doing well myself, because I am now being asked to talk about and recall the TRAUMA that I witnessed, I am really struggling and cycling, and crying and very emotional too. I don't want to be that way either, IT EMBARASSES ME, and everyone keeps telling me not to act this way, to control it and JUST somehow. My lawyer is expecting me to have control and not talk about the PTSD. "OH, if you do that they will use it against you, call you crazy, look she is unstable who should believe such a clearly emotionally unstable person?" THAT IS WRONG Jane, I have PTSD, I AM NOT LIEING, and because I have PTSD, yes, I am going to struggle, I may even have a flashback too, and if that happens, I can't control it either. It already did happen in a deposition, that retraumatized me even more, that again is ATTACHED TO THE TRAUMA that caused my PTSD. I was STUCK for too many years with a lawyer that was mentally declinging ENTRAPMENT, and I tried so hard to get away from him, I kept begging him to remember scheduled depositions to I could finish getting deposed because the remembering was so challenging, I needed to get that over with and work on the PTSD with my therapist. He failed to remember, even though I sat across from him in tears BEGGING HIM, he still FAILED ME, HE FAILED TO REMEMBER BECAUSE HE WAS FAILING THAT WAY IN HIS MENTAL DECLINE. Again, this is more TRAUMA on top of the same trauma adding yet another bad reminder, making it even worse.

This is wrong, this is inhumane and yes, it made me even worse too. Yet, the advice is still, "don't talk about it?". This is so wrong, this is so cruel too, it really IS inhumane.

You know, recently I was lectured and this person said, "We know you OE, we know you are a nice person too. By what we have heard of you "you are Morally Superior", and more people should be like you. We don't want to hear you say how much you don't like LIES, no one likes lies, when you say that it is as if you are calling us bigots and WE don't like it. I am not Morally Superior, good god, I surely hope that is true, I surely hope that how I feel, how wrong it is that I am genuinely struggling and can't talk about it is really not the right thing to do to someone who cannot help struggling because what happened really did happen and PTSD IS REALLY CHALLENGING ME AS A RESULT OF THAT.

You know, the constant message from professionals and others who struggle with it as well is, "It is not your fault, do not be ashamed, it is an INJURY" but that is really NOT what society is doing for me at all. I keep getting messages to the contrary, "it is your fault if you can't control it, and if you can't control it, it is wrong and shameful. If you ADMIT YOU ARE HURT THIS WAY, IT WILL BE USED AGAINST YOU. That is exactly what Abusers say!!!!!!!!!!! And what I just said is pretty much VERBATUM what my attorney told me.

Seriously, who is actually CRAZY, me or these other people who keep telling me DO NOT TELL OR IT WILL HURT YOU AND BE USED AGAINST YOU? And PLEASE, do not tell me/patronize me with "life is not fair", because that is BS talk.

Jane, I am sorry I am venting here. But, I think that you DESERVE to not be ashamed, you have suffered trauma, you were showing the end result of what they were teaching in that "theater" but the TRUE theater is to INCLUDE IT ALL, and not just the ABUSE, but the HURT AND INJURY that results from it. What you did, how you reacted is VERY SIGNIFICANT, it's an extremely important part of what was being taught. You must realize that and "not" be ashamed of that fact because it was not YOUR FAULT, you really were hurt Jane. This must be made AWARE OF, and to be honest, the entire premise of PTSD, is to WANT THAT TO HAPPEN too. If we cannot talk about it, then how are we to truly HEAL??????

Your reaction IS NORMAL, A NORMAL REACTION TO TRAUMA, this MUST BE EXPRESSED, NOT HIDDEN or to feel embarassed about. So, please, think about that. All I seem to be doing is APPOLOGIZING, and that has been taking place constantly in these past few days alone. And others are telling me "get a hold of yourself, and I am trying so damn hard, but at times failing and being angry with myself for it too.

From me to you, and I am struggling so badly right now, IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT, YOU WERE HURT, YOU HAVE AN INJURY, and you should not BE ASHAMED. I think that is really what needs to take place so that you and I are not getting conflicting messages, one set of message from healers, and a different set of messages from society. Well, that is wrong, people who suffer from trauma, develop PTSD because of that, deserve to be validated, deserve to try to function in spite of it and be understood if they struggle. You know, it's not all that different from finally sympathizing with people who are wheelchair bound and need to have better access to buildings of all kinds and restrooms. To not be ashamed to need that either. PTSD is an Injury too, it really is and it's such a challenge, you know it and I know it and so do others struggling too. We deserve to keep trying in spite of it and not be ashamed of it when we "do" struggle.

I want to CHANGE THAT, in my heart or hearts, I know that is what needs to be done.



For all of us trying so very hard.

OE