I was one of the people who thought your T sounded wonderful. I'm so sad now that I ever thought that, honestly! Clearly, we were all wrong. Your T screwed up... a lot! From the little I understand, it honestly sounds like she didn't have the right training or experience to handle your issues... just like if you went to a dermatologist for help with the measles.

I find the whole thing really upsetting too, because I think it happens a lot (and I worry about it with my own T, since I've been terminated from a T in the past who suddenly realized, "Oh crap, I didn't realize you had a dissociative disorder - I have no clue what to do, but I can't treat you! Please leave!"

Sorry, it sucks so much. It would honestly have been so much better if she had listened to you in the beginning, when you explained that you had BPD issues, and if she had referred you to someone competent for those issues then, before you were so attached. It might still have stung, but she would have saved you a lot of pain, and helped you get to someone who could actually help sooner.

I'm sorry - I feel like I'm venting a little here, and I want it to be supportive and I'm not sure if it's coming across that way. Honestly, your T really just makes me angry. It's really not right that she treated you like this. I absolutely can allow for Ts being human and making mistakes, but even with all that, there are much better ways for her to have handled this. There was really no reason for her to drop this on you the way she did, all of a sudden, at the start of a session. She could have gently led up to it, she could have chosen to stay present with you and helped you through the transition, and she could have allowed ongoing contact, even if it needed to have some boundaries in place, as you guys had previously discussed.

*argh*. I'm sorry Scarlett, it just makes me really mad on your behalf. I know that you still struggle with the feelings for her, but man, seriously, if *I* could report her and have her lose her license, I'd do it in a *heartbeat*. Sorry, but there you go. I just think that, as a T, she had an obligation here and she really, seriously *failed* at that.

Oh no! Please don't be too hard on yourself. I think Ts are *trained* to not show their real emotions during sessions. I actually just read a blog post that someone made about this, about how they were seeing a new pdoc, and they mentioned SI, and things kind of went downhill. She said that it was really unfortunate, because in "real life", people give you subtle clues when you start to overwhelm them or when you make them uncomfortable, and you can choose to pull back and share less information in those cases. But Ts (and pdocs) don't do that. They're trained to put aside their own reactions and keep projecting a calm, caring, interested look, so that you can open up and talk.

So, please don't think that you not picking up on this means you're universally bad at reading people. Not your fault!

Hmm. You know what. I think you're just surrounded by people who don't know how to love, or how to be kind, or have their own mental issues getting in the way.

It sucks, because it's really hard to be at the center of a family like this (mine is similar!) - it's hard to figure out what parts are *them* and their craziness, and what parts are yours.

But *everything* you've said, everything I've seen from you here on this forum, everything in my mind points to the problem being *them*.

It's like... let's say the world is split 50/50 with decent, loving, sane, healthy people (ha - and really, I think 50% might be a high estimate there!) versus people who can't really love, who have their own mental health issues that get in the way or just don't understand how to be caring and supportive.

It's like... you're surrounded by 3 or 4 people from the group who can't love. But it feels like that's the whole world.

But, I think the "how do we go on?" question is... as hard as it is, we go on and try to find people from that other group! We try to find people that are capable of being loving, and caring, and supportive, and good friends and partners. We try to find them, connect with them, learn from them, and reciprocate to others where we can. (And for me anyway, I try to minimize my contact with people that make me feel bad and less loved... )

I'm sorry, I know I'm talking with a lot of logic, and logic doesn't usually help with the emotions. I'm still so sorry that you're having to go through all this, and still believe that you deserve much better. I wish I had better answers, because I suspect that many of us are struggling with very similar issues (I can relate very much to a lot of what you said)...

Take care... be kind to yourself today. And I hope you're able to get some sleep!!! Sleep is important, my emotions are always a lot crazier when I'm sleep-deprived.