I don't know to write this without it being ridiculously long so I really hope that someone is willing to read through it. I really need some advice, or even just some support.

About six months ago I moved in with a relative that I was close with because I could not afford another place to live She was helping me get things back on track and I was happier than I had been in a long time. Then I met the guy that I'm currently seeing and she started to disagree with my decisions and became way too controlling. Long story short there were a few big arguments, which I do take part of the blame for, and she told me I could no longer stay with her. I had only been dating my boyfriend for about two weeks at that time and as a result he had to deal with WAY too much drama than is acceptable two weeks into a relationship. A lot of stuff happened that I won't go into detail about, but long story short it is shocking to me that he was willing to deal with all of that.

So then I ended up having to move about three hours away from him and miraculously we are still together. I unfortunately don't have my drivers license so most of the work to see me has fallen on him. The place I am currently staying is definitely not the best environment and I've been incredibly depressed lately and he has had to deal with that. When we hang out it's amazing and I know we are both incredibly happy. He's the first person I've ever been in love with and it's really a great feeling. Most of the time it has made me very happy, even when he's not around. But lately I've been feeling completely terrified.

He told me the other night that he doesn't think his feelings for me are quite as strong as mine are for him. This is totally understandable. I form attachments to people far more quickly than the average person. I'm always the one who feels more strongly. I know he still wants to be with me, he just felt that he needed to be honest about the extent of his emotions. But even though I can understand where he's coming from I have been so paranoid since.

The thing is is that I literally have no one else in my life right now besides him. The relative that I was staying with and have been close with for my whole entire life decided that she wants nothing to do with me anymore and hasn't talked to me in four months. A couple other relatives have followed suit and I don't have any friends to speak of. Besides my mom he is the only person I am close to in my life right now. And this is so unhealthy for me. I keep imagining him ending things, even though he has told me many times that he's not going to, and it makes me want to cry for hours. I KNOW it's going to happen sooner or later. It always does. Even family members that I have been close with for all 19 years of my life have left me. How could a guy I've known for four months be the one to stick around?

I am hard enough to deal with without all the other negative circumstances; the distance, the depression over my family and my current situation. There's absolutely no way someone would willingly deal with all of this. There's nobody out there willing to deal with me, even the people I thought would always be there. This relationship is going to end and there's nothing I can do to stop it and even as he sends me sweet messages and does his best to show that he loves me all I can do is envision the inevitable ending to all of it and I just don't know what to do.

The first few months I was never scared. I felt so lucky to have him in my life and I could see things lasting a long time. Now I am just completely terrified because I'm almost positive that if he leaves me I won't survive, not when every other person in my life has already left me. I would truly have nobody left and that thought is just unbearable to me.

So I don't know what to do. I considered ending things with him before he can do so himself, but the outcome would be the same, I'd still be alone. And I really don't want to lose him. Should I try to grow less attached to him? Although I have no idea how. I just want things to go back to how they were, when I was full of optimism and not this constant sick feeling in my stomach at the thought of losing the first person I've ever really loved like this.

I know this all probably sounds so crazy and over-dramatic and I don't know if anybody will understand. I don't know if there's even any advice to be given. But I just needed to get it out there and ask because I'm so tired of feeling this way. I want my relationship to make me happy and optimistic like it used to instead of making me so paranoid and depressed. He's the same amazing guy he's been since day one so what has changed that is making me feel this way?

If anyone has been through something similar or has some advice to give I would truly appreciate it so much. I hate feeling so alone in this.