Hi ILS,

I can relate to a lot of this and I really struggle with the idea of who my "true self" is among all the symptoms, substance abuse etc.

What I have found helpful is that taking an inventory of the things that make me happy. Occasionally I'll just take a note on my phone along the lines of "I like being in Cafes reading a book", "I really enjoy swimming", "I love philosophy" while I recognize them. This helps me to hone in on aspects of myself I know are true through everything, and also helps me to set goals and plans into action.

Being bipolar - even in remission from mania as it seems you are - one of the *most* important things is having a routine and healthy insight. It's very important to have a sense of your own identity capital so when you are in a state of crisis you still have some sense of continuuity - like when you are depressed, you'll have a glimmer of hope reminding you that there's a foundation of self you've built for yourself that will be there at the other end of this horrible low. Similarly (though harder to maintain) when manic: you can catch yourself doing things that aren't "you" and try to reign them in.

This is important when it comes to things that will leave us regretful when we crash. Sleeping with people we don't want to, irritability, buying things we don't need or ever really wanted, etc.

Take it easy on yourself and try - when you are in a good place - to take an inventory of who *you* are. It's important to reconnect with that voice that gets drowned out by depression, mania, booze/drugs, social life etc.

Perhaps you could consider what parts of *manic* you you miss o much and find a way to recreate them in a healthy way. The running, for example, is a healthy behaviour, but when we're depressed it's easy to think "oh well, that's not really who I am so there's no point in pursuing it", so then when we're euthymic we don't do it either. If you turn it into a daily habit, make it a part of who you are, you are in essence incorporating that into your true self.

Best of luck!